Saturday, January 4, 2014

The woman in the mirror...

I hear Mom and her never-ending complaints and I just want to scream.  My brain knows, it knows, that she is sick, but I just cannot separate the sickness from a lifetime of complaining.  She was never happy.  I know that, as well.  But, the non-stop gripes and arguing and bitching, are wearing me out.

I grew up in a household where nothing was ever good enough. Everyone could do it better. No matter what I did, or felt, I was ridiculed and made to feel unworthy.  So, Mom's litany of complaints that start off that I haven't fed her in days, followed by nastiness that she never asked for the food that she is then served, followed by accusations that I am trying to starve her, are just too much.  And the many other complaints, are effecting me in ways that I can't seem to stop. They are reaffirming that feeling of worthlessness that I have spent a lifetime overcoming. 

Her dissatisfaction with everything I do is like a virus.  It is spreading to all parts of my life.  I have begun believing that I can do nothing right.  I look for the disappointment in the people around me.  And I see it every where.  And I know that I am seeing what isn't there but I see it nonetheless.  Again, I am a 13 year old girl unworthy of anything positive.  Again, I avoid the mirror because I don't like what I see. 

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