Sunday, September 15, 2013

I want...

I want to be selfish.  I want to be able to be sick and not have deal with this!  I want to make a decision that isn't about her.  I want to be able to lie here and just not feel good.  I want to know that it is okay to focus on me.  I want to be able to get help when I need it, not because there are no other options.    I want to just lie down and cry until I can't cry anymore .I want to find a way to believe that I don't deserve every bit of this Hell!  I want my kids to have their mother back.  I want...

Bad night, good escape and door locks...

It was a bad night last night with Mom.  I always try to let her fall asleep on her own.  She's able to do that a night or two each week.  But, last night sure wasn't one of the good nights.

If Mom isn't resting by 9, I give her a sleeping pill.  Normally, it works fairly quickly and she is solidly asleep by 9:30 and stays that way until about 6 am.  Last night, she fell asleep right away, but we heard sounds coming from her room at about 10.  We ran in there just in time to see her doing a pinball imitation with the walls of the hall.  The pill had definitely made it into her system.  She was so out of it, that she actually let me guide her back to  bed.  Most of the time, there is a no-touch rule.  I call it the "Honestly daughter, I'd rather do it myself" attitude.  But, I did get her into bed and back to sleep. Oh, how I wish that the story ended there. 

Fast forward to 4 am.  She was up looking for "the kids". Are they in school?  Where are they?  I can't find them.  She was up and down for the next 3 hours, mostly up.  Luckily, she was solidly on her feet, so, all I could do was sit quietly and make sure that she didn't do anything dangerous. 

I spent my time browsing Amazon, looking at child locks for the outside doors.  She gave me a fright yesterday when she got through my blocked and locked doors while I was in the bathroom. I found her coming back from the neighbor's house.  I couldn't really relax enough to get any sleep because I couldn't be sure the back door was secure enough to keep her in. 

I will be asking for a different sleeping pill the next time we see the doctor.  My toddler, umm, I mean Mom, is messing with my rest and that does not make for a happy me.

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Thursday, September 12, 2013

Just a quick reminder...

Note to self:

Hey, Nancy!  Just a quick reminder...  When you get home from the grocery store and hide things from Mom?  Ummm, yeah, you might want to pick a place other than the oven.  Or, at the very least, remember that there is 3 loaves of bread, 1 package of English muffins and 4 pounds of apples in there BEFORE you preheat the oven.  Oh, and since I'm a little late on that reminder?  Don't forget to clean up the melted plastic that is hanging from the top rack.  Please and thank you.   Nancy

Monday, September 2, 2013

The anti-pill...

It's looking to be another fine evening in this Alzheimer's infected household.  Mom hasn't been to bed in almost 37 hours. 

We tried to get her to sleep last night, but that was an overwhelming failure.  She had her sleeping pill about 9:00 last night, just like always.  She was up and down until 10, which is when she started staggering.  So, I went in and sat with her to make sure that she didn't fall.  And fought with her for almost 5 and a half hours.  Usually I listen to about 5 songs on Pandora and she's out.  Last night, my phone battery pooped out and Mom didn't. 

It almost seemed like she had taken an anti-pill.  That's my way of saying that she did just the opposite of everything that she is supposed to do. She took a sleeping pill, she was wide awake.  She was supposed to lie down, she kept getting up.  She had a drink of water, she wanted more.  She wanted anything that wasn't what she was supposed to have or do. 

When I left her room at 3:30, I laid in the living room on the couch watching for her.  She was up and down until I fell asleep at 4.

Joy of joys, she was up for the day by 6.  She came out dressed in a shirt of my dad's that I hadn't seen since he passed 15 years ago. She wandered around the house for several hours looking for her shoes.  She tried to take mine.  Off of my feet.  She's been agitated all day.  She says that she needs to go!  She sat quietly on the couch for about an hour this afternoon but she was never drowsy.  We had the doors blocked because she wanted out.  The girls and I were sitting in the living room, Mom had walked away and we continued chatting.  Suddenly, someone was banging on the door, yelling, "Your Mom!"  I went running outside and Mom was 3 doors up the street.  The neighbor had seen Mom get out and came running over. So much for blocked doorways and thank God for good neighbors.

It's almost 8 and Mom is still in panic mode.  I don't see her calming down anytime soon.  She keeps trying for the back door.  She rarely stays agitated this long and never without sleep.  I feel like I have a fussy baby who has a full belly and whose diaper is dry.  I would try to take her for a ride to calm her down but she's too heavy to bring in from the car. 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Altered conversations...

A friend recently wondered what a conversation between two confused people would sound like.  It reminded me of a period of time, a few years ago, when a neighbor with Alzheimer's (I will call her Ginger) would come and sit with Mom on the front porch swing.

The strange thing about Ginger's visits, were the visits themselves.  In 35 years of living close to each other, I don't believe they ever even waved to each other.  I never heard a word of dislike towards Ginger, but it was obvious that friendliness towards one another was not going to happen.  We spoke to Ginger's husband frequently, but never Ginger.

So, back to the visits.  While Ginger was more advanced into the disease than Mom was, they both lived in an alternate reality.  Every strange thing that they said, they believed to be true.  It was rather fun, but sad, to listen to them talk.  They both held up their side of the conversation, one would speak, the other respond, etc.  But, they never listened to the other.  Ginger would be talking about the stranger who was always in her house (her husband), and Mom would talk about going for a walk or about her siblings growing up.  Neither noticed the strangeness of the conversation, neither cared.  After awhile, Ginger would stand up and walk home.  And that was that.

I am sure that comfort was found just in the contact with each other.  I am glad that they found that comfort.  And, I hope that going to Day Care provides that contact for Mom.  Everyone needs someone who will listen, even if it is an altered way of listening.