Somehow, tonight, I found a dear friend's blog. I didn't even know she had one. It was just filled with thoughts, fears, happenings, struggles, and, well, just life.
Since Mom's passing, I have avoided my blog. It was about Mom and our seemingly never ending journey through Alzheimer's. There is so much that I have tried to forget, ignore, and even bury. I am still dealing with anxiety and depression and when my therapist heard that I used to blog to survive, she suggested that I start writing again. The answer was a very strong, "No". I might have even muttered a weak, "Maybe". Both answers were said to avoid the request. But, reading my friend's words reminded me that putting my thoughts down is exactly what I do need.
The entire time I was sharing my words, experiences and survival with all of you, I was told quite often that I was a hero and that God had special blessings for me. And, to be honest, I wanted to believe that was true. Oh, not the hero part, but that He was going to reward me somehow. I wanted so much for it to be true that I was focusing on the wrong things and didn't see His true blessings. All I saw were my failings in the life that I was being dealt, and finding everything, well, lacking. The poor health that keeps getting worse and adds to the anxiety. The government that was supposed to help me, simply because I have always played by the rules, and instead told me "NO" every time I've asked. The financial burden that I have been forced to watch my daughter bear. It all seams unfair and sure doesn't feel like anything special. And there is the problem.
I can't have faith and expect things in return, as if I have earned blessings. That is not how it works.
I also cannot expect blessings based on the words of well-meaning friends. I need to focus my life on the gratitude of what I do have. The blessings are right in front of me. I might not be healthy in body and brain yet, but I am stepping in the right direction.
