Saturday, January 4, 2014

Pushing the button...

Writing this kind of a blog is like a balancing act for me.  There is a fine line between my writing about the intense feelings while dealing with an Alzheimer's patient and telling the cut and dried truth of the hideousness that is Alzheimer's.  Unless you've lived it, you have no concept of the range and depth of feelings that this disease puts you through. 

From the desperation you feel when your loved one, who is wasting away in front of your eyes, won't eat something as simple as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... To the joy you feel when you've made it an entire afternoon without cursing at the person who used to be your mother... And back down into guilt because you didn't make through the evening and the words shock even yourself at their harshness.

For every entry I make here, there are dozens more left unwritten or unpublished.  Some are things that I don't want to remember.  More than a few are things that shame me.  And still others are simply things that are so personal for Mom that I can't share them.  

But, the most difficult part of the balancing act, is when my finger hits that publish button.  Have I gone too far?  Was I as honest as I could be?  Will I be pitied or simply understood?   Have I been fair to Mom?   

So, the balancing act continues.  And, if you are reading this, I've chosen to push that orange button one more time.   

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