Thursday, February 7, 2013

There will be no guilt...

I think that I am going to be writing a lot of blog posts.  I need this escape.  But, I don't want people feeling sorry for me.  I do not write this to get sympathy, offers of help or advice. I know that each and every one of you that take the time to read this would help us if you could.  I simply write to keep from going crazy. 

The past 2 nights Mom has been very agitated.  The medications just don't seem to be working.  When we finally get her to sleep it lasts for very brief periods of time.  This morning she was up by 4 am screaming that someone had taken her money and things. I was able to get her to lie back down with the promise of her bed being warm. She laid there crying and begging someone to help her.  It took me until 5:50 to calm her enough for me to leave the room.  As I stood to leave, she cheerfully said, "Good morning!". 

By 7:30, we were at Walmart just to allow my daughter a little time to get some sleep before she had to leave for work.  We wandered around  for about 2 hours.  She seemed to enjoy it. It was peaceful. She calmly pushed the cart as I looked at things that I don't need.

We went out again about 11.  She was calm for most of the trip.  But, we had to come home.  We can't live at Walmart.  Currently, she's throwing accusations at me... that I haven't fed her, I've stolen her money, I am selfish and won't do anything for her.  She's is trying to escape and go to work.  Apparently, she promised them that she'd be there early today.  And I am mean for not driving her and/or letting her walk.  I'm calm.  I'm listening to my music and counting the days until I can beg the doctor to institutionalize her. 

But the one thing I'm not doing is feeling guilty about that decision.  I have given more than I had to give. And Mom deserves better than all that I gave.  And my children have seen things that no child should have to see. There will be no guilt. 

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