Thursday, September 18, 2014

Looking back...

Alzheimer's became the focus of this blog almost 3 years ago. Sometimes, I go back and read my old posts. Some of them are funny and help me to see the lighter side of this disease. But, some of them are candid looks at this disease and the havoc it wreaks.  I have mixed emotions about all that I read...

-I am a mixture of extremes. Full of patience or intolerance. Lacking faith or faithful. Angry but able to see the funny. Selfless and selfish. Loving and hateful.  Hopeful and discouraged.  I cover it all.

-Little has changed for her. With minor exceptions, she is basically still in the same stage that she was in 2½ years ago. She is still combative, angry, delusional and negative. She has no humor, compassion, or empathy. She still is able to go to the bathroom herself. She still hasn't “eaten in 3 days” but fights about any food put in front of her. Her sleep habits are a little better, her delusions a little worse.

-I am coming to grips with the fact that I have little family left. My friends and extended family offer more support and love than my own brothers.  I am grateful for all that help, but hurt by my brothers.

-I have changed.  I am now always angry. I have more faith, but feel I am undeserving of help. I have no tolerance for anything that I consider a mistake that I've made. And everything is a mistake. I have exhausted all patience. When I consider the small amount of advancement that this disease has made I am unbelievably discouraged. I want my life, back but now feel it will never happen. I am past the point of digging my way out.

This blog has been a blessing in so many ways. I am able to say what I feel with few filters and that helps to relieve the stress.  But, reading the proof of decline- mine, not hers- is both discouraging and heartbreaking to me. I don't have another 2½ years left to give her.

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