Monday, September 1, 2014

But not today...

How people treat you defines them. How you respond defines you.” – Mastin Kipp

Tonight, my daughters and I were talking and I wondered outloud, "If something were to happen and Grandma were to end up in the hospital, I'm not sure I would call your uncle."  Which progressed to, "I'm not even sure I would call him when she dies. I guess I might text him."

When did I become that person?  When did I turn into him?  A person who, in my opinion, is a selfish, egocentric (fill in an insulting name here).   I have spent the quiet hours since then thinking and reflecting on those feelings.  I believe in forgiveness and letting go of the anger.  I thought I had let go. But, if I can't forgive him, have I really released the anger?  The previous paragraph says that I haven't.   

As I was pondering all of this, I set up a what if checklist for myself.  If she's admitted to the hospital for something non-life threatening, then I don't have to call him.  If I admit her to a permanent facility, nope, that's no different than her being with me, I still don't have to call.  If her death is imminent, then I should call.  But why?  Why should I, when he hasn't picked up the phone and called even once in the last 15 months?  Why?  Because it is the decent and kind thing to do.  I just don't feel decent and kind towards him and that reflects on my character, not his. 

I will forgive him for walking away and placing the entire responsibility for all of this on me and my children. I will forgive him because that's what I do.  But, apparently, not today. 

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