I did it again. I had the nerve to try and clean the kitchen. Mom just cannot handle it when anyone does anything that doesn't incorporate her being the center of it. I have suggested before that Mom is still Mom but the disease has removed all filters. And that is definitely true in this situation. I can't count the number of special occasions that she "upset" because of her woe-is-me act. The holidays spent in emergency rooms only to find there was nothing wrong. The get-togethers that were ruined by some earth shattering announcement that brought all attention to her.
Every time she does this I can feel a big, red button being pushed in my brain. And it is these triggers that I have the most difficulty separating from the illness. She can be just fine and feeling well until someone's focus moves onto something or someone else. She then becomes a wimpering, moaning invalid. And I have no sympathy. So, of course, the situation escalates.
I can accept that anger is a normal reaction for me to have as a caretaker. I gave up my career, my family's security, my social life, my children's social lives and so much more. Yes, anger is part of it. What I have a difficult time accepting is the nasty, venomous things that I say to her to try to get her to stop. There is no switch to make it stop. There is nothing that I can physically do to make the hammer stop pounding So, the nasty, vile words that I had never in my life spoken before come spewing out. And that is hard to accept.