Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Big red button...

I did it again.  I had the nerve to try and clean the kitchen.  Mom just cannot handle it when anyone does anything that doesn't incorporate her being the center of it.  I have suggested before that Mom is still Mom but the disease has removed all filters.  And that is definitely true in this situation.  I can't count the number of  special occasions that she "upset" because of her woe-is-me act.   The holidays spent in emergency rooms only to find there was nothing wrong.  The get-togethers that were ruined by some earth shattering announcement that brought all attention to her. 

Every time she does this I can feel a big, red button being pushed in my brain.  And it is these triggers that I have the most difficulty separating from the illness.  She can be just fine and feeling well until someone's focus moves onto something or someone else.  She then becomes a wimpering, moaning invalid.  And I have no sympathy.  So, of course, the situation escalates. 

I can accept that anger is a normal reaction for me to have as a caretaker.  I gave up my career, my family's security, my social life, my children's social lives and so much more.  Yes, anger is part of it.  What I have a difficult time accepting is the nasty, venomous things that I say to her to try to get her to stop.  There is no switch to make it stop.  There is nothing that I can physically do to make the hammer stop pounding   So, the nasty, vile words that I had never in my life spoken before come spewing out.  And that is hard to accept.  

1 comment:

  1. Nancy, I think you need to be more self-forgiving. The limits you are being pushed to, and past, are bound to build up inside. Your outburst is nothing more than steam being let off so you don't completely lose it. The only thing you can do is maybe find another outlet....maybe install a punching bag somewhere - just think of the arm muscles you'll have ;0). Sending a prayer for Gods Peace, a Peace beyond all undertanding your way.