I find it interesting that even though I never signed on the dotted line or sold my soul to the devil, I cannot legally walk away from being a caretaker. There is no reason good enough or acceptable for the abandonment of this position. And, I suppose, that is a good law. I know that there are many unscrupulous people who would abandon their parents in a heart beat if served their own selfishness. But, I am not one of those people.
Yesterday, I wrote that I am done. Unfortunately, the insurance company is holding my life in the palms of their hands. They have the power to decide how much I will give. They decide how far my family must bend before completely breaking. They decide how low I will go. They are too powerful.
So, first thing this morning, I showed up at the ER and, basically, threw myself on their mercy. I begged them to help me, help Mom. I told them that I could not do this anymore. And that I could not care for her any longer. The only way that they would be able to place her in a nursing home was if there was something wrong physically that would require a hospitalization for 3 days. Simple. But, other than Alzheimer's and some bruises from falling, my mother has a healthy body for a 78 year old. So, admitting her was taken off the table almost immediately. And, I lost it. I don't think I have ever felt so desperate and helpless in my life. I was devastated.
The hospital, however, did not send me on my way. Everyone that I came in contact with offered me support. Several people who were not assigned to us, stopped by just to offer kind words and encouragement. When I would express any type of regret for taking a bed from a sick person or time from another patient, I was told that this was my turn for help. They understood that I had reached my limit and they offered a hand of compassion and kindness. The social worker worked non-stop for many hours trying to find a solution. She arranged for the owners of several privately owned facilities to come talk to me and explain my options.
Tomorrow, we are going to go tour a facility. And, whether we end up placing Mom there, or not, I know I have just a little more strength to keep going. It is amazing what a helping hand offered with genuine kindness can do to energize an exhausted soul.