I mentioned before that I would like to write a blog entry from Mom's point of view. I am trying to understand how it must feel to be trapped in a brain that just doesn't work anymore. That is what I do. I put words down, words that allow me to wrap my head around an idea that is bigger than I am. But, I get stuck trying to figure out how her brain jumps from one subject to another without any obvious connection. After many attempts, it hit me. I can't write it because there is no connection, no logic. Her brain needs neither. It reacts on the moment, with no consideration of how it arrived in that moment. But my brain still needs a path, an explanation of how I traveled from point A to point B. And for someone who doesn't remember the answer to the question that was asked 10 seconds ago, there is no path.
Even with all of the frustrations, disappointments and anger that I feel towards my mother on a daily basis, I still feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and compassion for her. What hell it must be to be a victim of this disease. As frustrated as I am with her behaviors, her perspective must be heartbreaking. To have someone, that you don't know and do not trust, directing your every movement must be scary. But to have a virtual stranger yell at you when you honestly don't know that you have behaved unacceptably would have to be terrifying. Her only reality is that she is aware of this moment. What happened a mere heartbeat ago never happened for her. Those actions are my reality, not hers. She sees only now.
So, there will be no entry telling Mom's perspective of this journey. I will have to accept that these words I write, that allow me to make sense of so much, cannot make sense of Alzheimer's Disease.