Fifteen two, fifteen four...

The doctor just called with the insurance company's decision concerning Mom being institutionalized.  They will not approve her being placed into a nursing home at this time.  We have to try in-home care first.  I am just heart-broken.  I keep thinking about a phrase from Cribbage, "Fifteen-two, fifteen-four, that's all there is, there ain't no more".  Or, more specifically, "that's all there is, there ain't no more".  I am done.

It seems as if each day that goes by, a little bit more of me becomes irretrievable. Her negativity is wearing me until I feel like that last nubbin of cheese that has so little left that there is nothing left to grate. Even when she gets what she asks for, she is unhappy.  She turns positive actions into negative results. Her complaints are never ending. 

I am drowning.  My life jacket was the hope that they would accept her into a home.  I know my feelings are my own and that no one can tell me what I should be feeling.  But, I dislike my negativity.  I need to regroup and re-evaluate this situation.  I cannot, will not allow her bitterness or my disappointment to turn me into her.