I am walking the line. Doing a dance. Keeping the plates spinning in the air. Peeing my pants, oh, wait, that one wasn't supposed to be public. What do (most) of these activities have in common? Why, they represent me trying to balance my desire to be more positive without painting a rosy picture that does not resemble the truth.
Today I took Mom to have an MRI done of her brain. This was the second attempt. Our first try was Friday when Mom had a panic attack while lying in the machine. They asked us to come back today and try giving Mom a sedative before the actual test. I did. Mom was so relaxed that I practically carried her to the room for the test. We got her up and onto the table where she immediately fell asleep. Kathy (the tech) and I talked over her sleeping form for about 10 minutes. She praised me for my patience with Mom. I mentally qualified that to include the fact that there were witnesses who could testify against me. She commented that my daughters and I must be very special to do what we do each day. I mentally asked for forgiveness for accepting her praise. It was an uncomfortable conversation that I have had with many strangers. Finally, Mom's lips relaxed into a solid snore. I could hear a choir singing Hallelujah. It was time and it was going to work.
As Kathy began to gently slide the table into the machine, the choir was drowned out by the sound of Mom's screams as she violently came awake. She pulled everything that she was able to reach and panicked. I felt so helpless. How terrifying it must be to be placed into a machine like that, head strapped down, with no understanding of what is happening. It broke my heart for the second time.
So, our next step is to again wait for an appointment at the hospital where they can put her under. Pretty simple. We waited 3 months for this appointment. What's another 3, right? But, everything in His time. So, we wait. And we will be thankful for what is going right. We have day care for 3 days a week. We have a doctor who cares. And we are still a family. I will conveniently forget that I am a klutz who has horrible balance. And we will continue this trek that has become so much more than just a moment in time.