Monday, March 11, 2013

Day care...

Well, 3 months into a 30 day sign-up process and Mom finally received approval to begin her visits to the Adult Day Care.  She's been given the okay for going 3 days out of the week.  I think this will be good for her.  She will see new people.  Every   It will be good for me.  I will get some much needed respite from the tension.  My kids, hopefully, will have a mom who is a little more relaxed. 

So, why am I not doing a jig?  Why do I have this heavy sense of foreboding?  If  I continue with the analogy that she is a like a toddler, then maybe it's just nerves about letting her go.  But, I never felt that with my kids.  I was always thrilled that they were going to make friends and learn things that I was unable to teach them.  In this case, Mom will also be meeting new people and be cared for in a way that I am unable to do. 

I think part of it is the belief that this is not going to work.  I hope I am wrong.  But, if I'm not, I do not want to be let down again.  I cannot handle many more disappointments.  But, her moods are not under control.  I am so afraid that I am going to get a call telling me to come get my misbehaving child, er, mother.  And, they will then tell me that I can't bring her back until she can be good. 

But, shamefully, I think that the biggest fear is that I feel that she is a reflection of me and my care taking... that I am somehow responsible for her behavior.  If I had done something different for her, she would be better.  My brain knows that is not realistic.  But, my heart thinks that my brain is an ass. 

So, here I sit, after receiving some great news, with a sad sense of doom.  I will do the only things that I can do... I will trudge on.  And, most importantly, I will let go and let God. 

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