Well, 3 months into a 30 day sign-up process and Mom finally received approval to begin her visits to the Adult Day Care. She's been given the okay for going 3 days out of the week. I think this will be good for her. She will see new people. Every time...lol It will be good for me. I will get some much needed respite from the tension. My kids, hopefully, will have a mom who is a little more relaxed.
So, why am I not doing a jig? Why do I have this heavy sense of foreboding? If I continue with the analogy that she is a like a toddler, then maybe it's just nerves about letting her go. But, I never felt that with my kids. I was always thrilled that they were going to make friends and learn things that I was unable to teach them. In this case, Mom will also be meeting new people and be cared for in a way that I am unable to do.
I think part of it is the belief that this is not going to work. I hope I am wrong. But, if I'm not, I do not want to be let down again. I cannot handle many more disappointments. But, her moods are not under control. I am so afraid that I am going to get a call telling me to come get my misbehaving child, er, mother. And, they will then tell me that I can't bring her back until she can be good.
But, shamefully, I think that the biggest fear is that I feel that she is a reflection of me and my care taking... that I am somehow responsible for her behavior. If I had done something different for her, she would be better. My brain knows that is not realistic. But, my heart thinks that my brain is an ass.
So, here I sit, after receiving some great news, with a sad sense of doom. I will do the only things that I can do... I will trudge on. And, most importantly, I will let go and let God.