Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Cutting off my nose to spite my face...

So, my brother won't be watching our mom on graduation night.  No, he didn't back out.  We did.  Turns out that my oldest daughter was as uncomfortable as I was about accepting the "favor" from him.  Ironic that watching his mother is a favor to us, but anyway...

Everything about it made me uncomfortable.

- If we had let him do it I would feel like I owed him a thank you.  I don't see or hear either of my brothers thanking me.  It is assumed that since I volunteered that I somehow have given up any expectations of gratitude.*  One of them once said that since I volunteered that I deserve what I get.  Yeah, no gratitude there.  So, I am petty enough that offering my thanks for a couple of hours of help is not going to happen. 

- I would have to speak to him.  I don't want to do that.  He cut us out of his life.  He is not going to be welcomed into ours because of this.  This time is for my youngest and I don't want to ruin it by adding the stress of dealing with him to her special day.  I want to focus on the joy, not the jerk. 

-He is not welcome in this house.  And he made it clear that he would not take Mom into his.  He was angry the last time he watched her here because we don't have cable. Apparently, he missed a big game.  Can you imagine the trauma of such a loss?  Such a sacrifice he made.  Yeah, cable was the first thing to go when I left my job to do this.  He's lucky we had electricity for him to read by. 

-I am so angry and disappointed with him that I could spit.  I put up with a lot from people.  I tend to forgive very easily, but once I'm done, I am done.  Accepting his help at this point would be more stress than I can handle and would make me feel like a hypocrite.
So, my oldest daughter will miss her sister's graduation so that she can watch her grandmother.  That makes me sad.  There is so little that we are able to do as a family.  But, it is a solution that I can live with for now.  

*After reading this through I need to clarify... I don't need or expect gratitude.  That is not why I'm here.  It is simply that I would appreciate it if he could recognize that my family has made huge sacrifices for this situation.  Whether I volunteered or not, we are here in the trenches everyday which gives him the luxury of ignoring the entire situation. 

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