I'm not sure that I've ever felt this low. Or this lonely. I've always believed and accepted that I'm supposed to be alone. And I have always been okay with that. It's not that I'm not interested, it just never works out for me.
But, there are times, like tonight, that I just want someone to give me a hug and ask me if I am okay. Because tonight? I'm not okay. I will get up tomorrow and try again. But, tonight I cannot pretend that I'm not lonely.
I have never felt that my life has been more of a failure than I do right now. I am a lousy daughter who can show her mother not the smallest amount of compassion. I have no patience. I don't like her. And I am ashamed. She deserves so much more than what I am giving.
My brothers have pretty well washed their hands of us. One still pretends that nothing in this house is, or has been, of any concern to him. The other brother, for the most part, has not contacted me since Mom started day care. Mom's times at the day care fall on his days off, so, he is off the hook apparently.
But, legally I cannot walk away. I am here, giving the little energy I have left to a woman who does everything in her power to see the negative in every situation. Just like she always did, only now there is no filter. I am angry, apathetic and depressed.
And then there are my beautiful girls. They are my world. They used to know that. I doubt that they still do. I'm sure that they get up each day and ask themselves, "Which Mom will she be today? The mellow Mom who can laugh and tease with us? Or the Mom that cries all day? Or the psycho Mom who screams about dishes not being done and then cries all day?" Great choices aren't they?
Yesterday, I read a caretaker's blog that said that our mind will believe what we tell it. So, we should get up each day and tell ourselves that it will be a beautiful day full of opportunities to be positive. I try to do that. I honestly do. But, lately my life just isn't getting the message.