Monday, October 1, 2012

Absence of faith...

How do I do this?  I am flipping going crazy.  I don't know how to be  pushed while being pulled, praised while being cursed, threatened by a hand raised in anger at me while the same hand extends to me for help.  All of these things occur, what seemingly feels like, non-stop.  But my failing faith is what is killing me.  I thought I had a solid relationship with God and a strong faith.  But each day I am drifting further and further away.  After each nasty and vile word that she spews at me she says, "God Bless You" in a calm and soothing way. And each day and most of the night I hear her prayers.  I am being bombarded with her never ending litanies of begging Him for mercy,  begging Him for mercy and the answer is always no. 

This is all a bad dream.  And I can't wake up.  In the dream  I am showing up for class and taking notes.  I am trying to hear what the Professor is saying to me.  But, each day I am failing the test.  And it's as if the test never ends.

My friends tell me to pray.  To read the Bible.  But I can't  talk to Him.  I feel He has turned His back on me. I know He hasn't and that I am just not listening.  But I am being bombarded to the point that I cannot hear anything but HER.  And each time that she has said these hateful and vile things, and I am at the end of all that I have, she turns to me and says, "God Bless You!"  As if it is a curse and a blessing all rolled into one sentence.  But the worst, the absolute worst for me, is in that moment when I hear her say those words, my immediate reaction is, "Maybe someday." 

In my calm moments when the house is quiet, I recognize that I have many, many blessings.  And I still find moments in my day when I offer up thanks for the small blessings that present themselves.  And I still ask for his guidance and His forgiveness.  But, when I am dealing with Mom, I doubt Him and I am angry with Him. I am finding that the doubt is spilling over more and more into my quiet time. 

I hate Alzheimer's for taking my mother, my girls' childhoods, my family, my financial security and my way of life.  But I despise it for taking my faith.


  1. Oh Nancy :( I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine in the setting of Alzheimer's but I can definitely relate to how you are feeling in regards to Amanda's bipolar issues. So often I feel like I'm looking up to heaven saying, "Where are you??? Don't you see this?? Don't you care??" I am so sorry you, the girls, and your mom are going through this nightmare. I imagine your daily life's struggles, and I can't imagine being Andrea trapped in a world she's not familiar with in a body she doesn't recognize as her own. I love you, lady and am praying for you.

  2. Nancy sometimes its hard to believe god will let us go through so much...i could not imagine doing the things you have to do..remember were here for you anytime and we love you..