How do I do this? I am flipping going crazy. I don't know how to be pushed while being pulled, praised while being cursed, threatened by a hand raised in anger at me while the same hand extends to me for help. All of these things occur, what seemingly feels like, non-stop. But my failing faith is what is killing me. I thought I had a solid relationship with God and a strong faith. But each day I am drifting further and further away. After each nasty and vile word that she spews at me she says, "God Bless You" in a calm and soothing way. And each day and most of the night I hear her prayers. I am being bombarded with her never ending litanies of begging Him for mercy, begging Him for mercy and the answer is always no.
is all a bad dream. And I can't wake up. In the dream I am showing
up for class and taking notes. I am trying to hear what the Professor
is saying to me. But, each day I am failing the test. And it's as if
the test never ends.
My friends tell me to pray. To
read the Bible. But I can't talk to Him. I feel He has turned His
back on me. I know He hasn't and that I am just not listening. But I am
being bombarded to the point that I cannot hear anything but HER. And
each time that she has said these hateful and vile things, and I am at
the end of all that I have, she turns to me and says, "God Bless You!"
As if it is a curse and a blessing all rolled into one sentence. But
the worst, the absolute worst for me, is in that moment when I hear her
say those words, my immediate reaction is, "Maybe someday."
my calm moments when the house is quiet, I recognize that I have many,
many blessings. And I still find moments in my day when I offer up
thanks for the small blessings that present themselves. And I still ask
for his guidance and His forgiveness. But, when I am dealing with Mom,
I doubt Him and I am angry with Him. I am finding that the doubt is spilling over more and more into my quiet time.
I hate Alzheimer's for taking my mother, my girls' childhoods, my family, my financial security and my way of life. But I despise it for taking my faith.