Sunday, March 2, 2014

A noose made of money...

I recently watched the testimony that Seth Rogan made before the US Senate about Alzheimer's Disease.  In it, he commented, and I'm paraphrasing, that he didn't know how the average person is able to afford the care for a loved one with Alzheimer's.  I don't know either.

I have experienced lean times in my adult life.  But, it was a very long time ago, when I had first started out.  Through hard work I had reached a point in my career that my children and I were comfortable.  We weren't rich, but we could afford some extras and our bills were always paid on time.  I had money in savings for a rainy day and I would be heading into retirement with my home paid off.  We even had health insurance that I could afford.

All of that is gone now.  A lifetime of working and following the rules is gone.  I am stuck in a situation that is unimaginable.  For the first time in my life, I have bill collectors who have every right to be hounding me.  I am part of the section of society with their hands out... I never have begrudged those who have needed a hand but I also never thought I would be one of them. Unfortunately, the powers that be have decided that I don't need help.  I own my home, therefore, I have assets. So, my problems are my own. I live in fear of anything going wrong because I have no cushion... no contingency plan for emergencies.  And the scariest part of all is that when this all ends, I will be heading back into a career field that makes hiring decisions based, in part, on credit checks.  I worry... who will hire a bankrupted older woman to run their business? 

So, I sit here feeling sorry for myself and being ashamed of something that I have no way to change.  And I wonder how much more tolerable this situation would be if I could simply pay what I owe...  If when sleep is available to me, that I wasn't lying awake worrying about money.  Would there be more patience and tolerance if the resentment I feel towards the situation wasn't so consuming?  Will I spend the rest of my life fighting my way out of a noose made of money?  Will I forever regret making a decision that was only right for someone else? 

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