A few random thoughts today:
I am fighting this sadness for all that I am worth. I want to look forward to my days again. I feel guilt each time I look at my mother and realize that I am looking forward to her being gone. Yes, I want her to find peace. I want that so much for her. But, selfishly, I want it more for my family. And, no matter how normal that feeling is, it isn't something that is easy to accept.
I yearn to be active once again. So much of my life has to be sedate and non-exciting just to keep Mom in a non-agitated state. Today I tried to hang new curtains. I became so frustrated with her that I stopped and furiously returned to the love seat and my laptop. The love seat that will never recover from my ever growing butt's pressure and the laptop that has become my outlet to sanity.
Each entry I make here is about my perception of this disease and how it effects my life. I have been kicking around the idea of writing an entry from Mom's point of view. And that is as far as I can get. This disease is so random that I am not sure Mom has a perspective. Maybe I need to explore her possible feelings towards us... how random and erratic we must seem to her. I need to think on this one.
Mom's hoarding has become worse. She goes to the kitchen a dozen times an hour to find anything that she can fit into her pocket. She walks by me with pockets bulging with her treasures and then scurries to hide them in her room. Today's "theft du jour" was tea bags. But, she was picky. She only wanted the Lipton.
Mom likes McDonald's cheeseburgers. Thankfully. Sometimes, when she is disoriented and agitated, the only thing that calms her is a ride (again a toddler). We usually end up at Walmart, which is ironic because I dislike Walmart. But, she loves pushing a cart and the anonymous bustle of it all seems to calm her. So, we wander a bit and stop at McDonald's on our way out. And that damned cheeseburger is the only thing that I have put in front of her for the past year that isn't too big, too small, too hot, too cold, too salty, too whatever. She eats it and has no comment. And that is high praise these days.