Monday, September 10, 2012

Who you are...

Ok, today was not a "moment in time".  It was a freaking day in Hell.  My positive and loving enlightenment lasted until about 11:00 am.  It is now 11:48 pm and I am hearing quiet for the first time today.

The more days that I have like this, the more I believe that the behaviors of an Alzheimer's patient are like a drunk who blames his actions on alcohol.  When in reality, it isn't the alcohol at all, it is who they are without their inhibitions or filters.  All of these behaviors that I am now seeing in Mom were always there.  They are just running free with no filters.  She was an intelligent woman who knew that these  traits were not acceptable in most situations and that people did not want to be around an angry, unhappy person.  So, she filtered them, but they were still there. 

I have spoken to other caregivers who have few trying days.  For the most part, their family member is kind, sweet and docile throughout the progression of the disease.  But, it is my belief that these people were always that way.  I do not believe Alzheimer's changes who we truly are... but that it intensifies it and removes our ability to monitor our own actions.

If this is sounding like a harsh judgement on my mother, I don't mean it as such.  I love my mom and appreciate her many wonderful traits.  But, anyone who knew my mom before knows that she was angry and very unhappy.  If I have learned anything through this trying time it is how important it is to truly be kind to those you love.  Make it a habit.  Make it who you are.  Because at some point you might not have a choice.

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