Party over here...

I recently requested that Mom be considered for 5 days at day care instead of the 3 that she is currently attending.  I just received word that her insurance company only approved 4.  That's not the 5 that I wanted but it is one more than we have now.  That sounds like a good reason for a party to me.  

Now, I just need to know who is bringing the cake? 

Looking back...

Alzheimer's became the focus of this blog almost 3 years ago. Sometimes, I go back and read my old posts. Some of them are funny and help me to see the lighter side of this disease. But, some of them are candid looks at this disease and the havoc it wreaks.  I have mixed emotions about all that I read...

-I am a mixture of extremes. Full of patience or intolerance. Lacking faith or faithful. Angry but able to see the funny. Selfless and selfish. Loving and hateful.  Hopeful and discouraged.  I cover it all.

-Little has changed for her. With minor exceptions, she is basically still in the same stage that she was in 2½ years ago. She is still combative, angry, delusional and negative. She has no humor, compassion, or empathy. She still is able to go to the bathroom herself. She still hasn't “eaten in 3 days” but fights about any food put in front of her. Her sleep habits are a little better, her delusions a little worse.

-I am coming to grips with the fact that I have little family left. My friends and extended family offer more support and love than my own brothers.  I am grateful for all that help, but hurt by my brothers.

-I have changed.  I am now always angry. I have more faith, but feel I am undeserving of help. I have no tolerance for anything that I consider a mistake that I've made. And everything is a mistake. I have exhausted all patience. When I consider the small amount of advancement that this disease has made I am unbelievably discouraged. I want my life, back but now feel it will never happen. I am past the point of digging my way out.

This blog has been a blessing in so many ways. I am able to say what I feel with few filters and that helps to relieve the stress.  But, reading the proof of decline- mine, not hers- is both discouraging and heartbreaking to me. I don't have another 2½ years left to give her.

Just drive...

I'm having a hard time pulling myself up today.  I just want to get in my car and drive.  Well, I want to, but I don't have the energy to do it.  Or the money.  Or the time.  But, I'd like to do it.  Just drive to wherever my car takes me.  Anywhere but here.

I hate feeling this low.  I look around me and I see people with real problems.  Real world problems.  In comparison, my problems seem so trivial that I feel guilty for not dragging myself out of here.  But, I'm here.  And, apparently, I plan on staying for awhile. 

How far can do you think I can drive and still be back by 3? 

Tick tock...

So much to do.
So much to get done.
I am counting the moments until she leaves.
Tick tock.
My list is getting longer.
I have to get things done.
I think the stress of it is killing me.
Tick tock.
So much to do.
Nobody knows I'm about to implode.
Nobody cares.
Tick tock.
Is the van here yet?
I have to get it all done.
I need to care.
Tick tock.
As soon as she leaves I'll start.
I just need to start.
Tick tock.
She's off to day care.
I can start my list.
I can get something done.
Tick tock.
Get up!
Do something.
Anything!
Tick tock.
I can't move.
Start your list.
Do something before it all falls apart.
Tick tock.
I don't care.
It's falling apart.
I DON'T CARE!
Tick tock.
BOOM!

Progress...

Today was a rough day for Mom.  She was very agitated, emotional and paranoid.  That's not a great combination.  For either of us. 

Here is a brief portion of the conversation we had while sitting in McDonald's inside Walmart today:

Me:  Are you finished eating?
Mom:  Why so you can get rid of me?
Me:  No.  We just need to get some food at the store.
Mom:  I'm not going with you.  (She starts gesturing for strangers to help her.)
Me:  Mom, please don't wave at them.
Mom:  They know me and they'll help me get away.
Me:  I thought you wanted to stay with me.
Mom:  I do.  Don't leave me here.
Me:  I won't.  I want you to come with me.
Mom:  Where?  I don't want to go with you.
Me:  I thought you wanted to be with me.
Mom:  I do.  But I'm not going with you.
Me:  Okay.  Where do you want to go?
Mom:  I just told you!
Me:  Can you show me?

Mom:  NO! I'm not going anywhere with you.  I want to be with you.
Me.  Okay.  We can stay here for awhile.
Mom:  Why so that you can dump me again?  Every time we come here you do this!
Me:  I'm going to dump this trash and then leave.  You can come if you want to.
Mom:  Okay.  But, I'm keeping my drink.

The interesting part of this conversation was that although we were attracting attention, I didn't let it or her get to me.  The woman 2 tables over was very judgmental in her glares.  I smiled and did what I had to do.  We did our shopping, checked out and made it to the car.  There in my car, I fell apart just a little bit.  But, it wasn't a meltdown, so I'm calling that progress. 

How do I look? Depends...

Oh, how I wish I'd had a camera with me this morning. It was a particularly frustrating (for both of us) episode of getting Mom dressed for the day. She understood my asking her to take her shoes off (she wears them non-stop, even with her pajamas). She didn't understand anything beyond that. She doesn't allow any help. I can't touch her or she screams that I'm hurting her. So, it all has to be done though verbal directions with gestures thrown in hoping that she'll understand what I'm saying. She didn't. After several minutes of haggling and frustrations, we finally had a clean palette that needed dressing.

I handed her some diap... errr, underwear and asked her to put them on. Like most mornings, she turned them over a few times trying to figure out which was the front. She finally got a look of recognition, so I looked away... she doesn't like people watching her. Who does, right? So, I look back and she has her arms though the leg holes and was pulling the underwear on like a shirt. I couldn't help it, I laughed. Unfortunately, I was laughing too hard to stop her. Her arms were extended straight up, the crotch of her panties stuck on the top of her head. I was laughing before, now I'm close to having a seizure. I looked away to get myself under control. I looked back to see her head and one arm poking out of one leg hole, her head cocked to make it fit. Her other arm is hanging out of the other hole. The waistband was pulled down over her chest. She crookedly looked at me and said, “Does this look okay?” 

But not today...

“How people treat you defines them. How you respond defines you.” – Mastin Kipp


Tonight, my daughters and I were talking and I wondered outloud, "If something were to happen and Grandma were to end up in the hospital, I'm not sure I would call your uncle."  Which progressed to, "I'm not even sure I would call him when she dies. I guess I might text him."

When did I become that person?  When did I turn into him?  A person who, in my opinion, is a selfish, egocentric (fill in an insulting name here).   I have spent the quiet hours since then thinking and reflecting on those feelings.  I believe in forgiveness and letting go of the anger.  I thought I had let go. But, if I can't forgive him, have I really released the anger?  The previous paragraph says that I haven't.   

As I was pondering all of this, I set up a what if checklist for myself.  If she's admitted to the hospital for something non-life threatening, then I don't have to call him.  If I admit her to a permanent facility, nope, that's no different than her being with me, I still don't have to call.  If her death is imminent, then I should call.  But why?  Why should I, when he hasn't picked up the phone and called even once in the last 15 months?  Why?  Because it is the decent and kind thing to do.  I just don't feel decent and kind towards him and that reflects on my character, not his. 

I will forgive him for walking away and placing the entire responsibility for all of this on me and my children. I will forgive him because that's what I do.  But, apparently, not today.