Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I am trying...

This will be one of my entries that I won't share a link for people to come read it.  I will write it because I have to, because the words are screaming for release.  But, I can't handle the people who love me, feeling frustrated that they can't help.  It reminds me too much of the people who were supposed to love me who won't. 

This morning Mom woke at 4:30 with the "everyone needs to be up" attitude.  It progressed to a stubborn and everyone is evil attitude.  She refused to leave the house so that I could take my youngest to school.  I offered her everything I could think of to get her into the car. I kept in mind, all of the advice that the doctor shared with me yesterday.  No, Doctor, bribery did not work.  I tried distracting her, "Oh look! There's a squirrel!".  Yeah, that didn't work either.  I handed the reins to Katie because that's what the doctor said to do.  Mom threatened Katie.  I grabbed the reins and threatened to leave her by herself if she didn't get into the car.  She got into the car with some subtle dragging by me. 

After I dropped Katie at school and drove home, Mom refused to get out of the car.  I went along because the doctor said not to argue with her.  I took her to the coffee shop that she used to visit every morning for over 10 years.  I had to bribe her into the building.  She immediately accused the waitress (loudly) of poisoning people  She wouldn't sit down because there was "evil" in the building.  I calmed her, sat down and ordered her coffee.  She tasted it and yelled, "This is nasty!  It tastes like SH**!"  She then began pointing to the other customers and saying that they were all evil and they were plotting against her.  I left a few dollars on the table and we left.

She demanded that I take her home, where she, again, refused to get out of the car.  I asked, and, yes, she'd like to go to the store with me.  The entire way to the market, she screamed at me from the back seat that I was going the wrong way.  The signs told her that I was in the wrong lanes.  At signals, she pounded on the window and was screaming that I was stealing her.  When we got to the store, she refused to get out of the car. She wasn't going into a place where they did horrible things to people. I tried bribery.  I tried distraction.  I tried patience.  I tried.  We left.

On the way home, again, the screams that I was going the wrong way.  That I was going to kill her.  That I am evil and she wants to go home.  We passed a store that sells tires.  She said, "I like that store.  I want to go there."  I told her that I didn't need anything from that store.  She took off the seat belt and tried to get out of the moving car.  The door had the grandma lock activated, so, she didn't get out.  I turned the radio up to drown out the screams.

When we arrived home, she came in without incident.  She had breakfast of eggs, sausage and biscuit.  Within 10 minutes she was demanding that I feed her.  After all, she hadn't eaten in 3 days.  I gave her a pudding cup and she promptly yelled at me that it was too much.  She couldn't eat all of that.  As she ate it, she nastily told me that I was a bad person for trying to starve her.  That was about 10 minutes ago.  She's now telling me that she is hungry and hasn't eaten in 3 days.  Why won't I take her out of the house? Why is she always stuck here with me? 

It's 10 o'clock in the morning.  Mom has been up 5 and a half hours.  I just keep wondering how much the doctor would have put up with before he found a medicine that works. 

I know that it is past time to institutionalize her.  I KNOW.  But, there are more things involved than deciding that it's time.  The doctor said that I'm at my saturation point.  Yes, I am.  That occurred almost 2 years ago.  But, I can't make the system work for me.  I can't force it to make the right decisions.  Until it does, I am here and I am trying. 

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