"Sometimes I feel like a clown who can't wash his make-up off." - Zac Brown Band
I try so hard to keep an even mood. There is so much anger and negativity in this house that I figure if I can stay positive and in a light mood that things will go more smoothly. Mom needs an even, calm atmosphere or her disease makes the situation spiral into paranoia and delusions. My children need a parent who is calm and respectful. They deserve that Mom.
Then there is me. I swallow so much anger and frustration that I feel as if I will burst. When people look at me, do they see the make up or do they see the person inside who is screaming to be let out?
I know these feelings are normal but they are not acceptable to me. I am not an angry person. Strike that. I am an angry person but I don't want to be. In the past when I have made a discovery about myself that I found unacceptable I have worked hard to change it. When a job brought out a negative aspect of my personality, I walked away from the job. I cannot walk away from this. And, I guess that is the lesson. I need to deal with who I have allowed myself to become, who I am. And I need to decide whether to change what I cannot accept or continue wearing the make-up.
Anger is a common emotion for Alzheimer caregivers. Anger at the loss of a loved one. Anger at the loss of control. Anger at the lows to which we must stoop in order to keep this person we once knew well but is now a stranger, appeased. I say, give yourself a break. You've been forced into a heart breaking situation and the best you can hope for is to make it out with your sanity, and your family, intact. I have every confidence that you will. But DO try to find SOMETHING every day that makes you smile...even if for a moment! Love ya, my new friend! As always, 'hang in there'!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kathy. I do know that anger is normal. But, the way I handle it is not. My children do not deserve to be snapped at and screamed at for the slightest irritation. An that is what I have to work on. I need to find a way to deal with the anger without changing who THEY are. They deserve a better parent than what I am giving. And as for finding something to make me smile? My kids do that many times a day. They are my sanity. I thank you for your words and especially for understanding what most people never will.
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