"Sometimes I feel like a clown who can't wash his make-up off." - Zac Brown Band
I try so hard to keep an even mood. There is so much anger and negativity in this house that I figure if I can stay positive and in a light mood that things will go more smoothly. Mom needs an even, calm atmosphere or her disease makes the situation spiral into paranoia and delusions. My children need a parent who is calm and respectful. They deserve that Mom.
Then there is me. I swallow so much anger and frustration that I feel as if I will burst. When people look at me, do they see the make up or do they see the person inside who is screaming to be let out?
I know these feelings are normal but they are not acceptable to me. I am not an angry person. Strike that. I am an angry person but I don't want to be. In the past when I have made a discovery about myself that I found unacceptable I have worked hard to change it. When a job brought out a negative aspect of my personality, I walked away from the job. I cannot walk away from this. And, I guess that is the lesson. I need to deal with who I have allowed myself to become, who I am. And I need to decide whether to change what I cannot accept or continue wearing the make-up.