I try very hard to present a positive attitude to the world. I figure nobody wants to hang around or read about a Downer Debbie. Yes, I have shared my feelings about the disease but when I talk about caring for my mom I often talk about the funny things that she does or says. Hearing about the horrible things that happen upsets my family. So, I stick to the silly things, after all, they make funny status updates. Yes, that was sarcasm.
But, the majority of the time it isn't funny. It is the worst thing that I have ever undertaken. When I choose to do something, I want to do it well. So, it is humbling to fail at something so important. And, I am failing. Miserably.
How do I deal with the quicksilver mood swings? She can go from raising a fist to me in violent anger to rubbing my cheek because she loves me in a fraction of a second. She forgets and moves on just that quickly. I can't. I am still in the defensive mode. I am not ready to have my cheek rubbed. And when I don't respond positively to the cheek rubbing, she is hurt and doesn't understand the rejection. I know she is sick but I cannot stop the feelings I have on a dime.
So, part of the answer is that I am going to let it all hang out... good, bad, silly and outrageous. This blog has officially become my outlet. So, fair warning, if my words are not light enough, or fun enough to keep you reading... no hard feelings. I have enough of those already.