It's been a really bad night. I just can't do this anymore. At midnight I had my keys in my hand, I made it to the front porch, I can see my escape. But, as much as my soul must go, I cannot leave. If I leave who will take my place? My girls. The very people who are my life. The girls for whom I would lay down my life. The ones who just looked at me with such disappointment that I am crushed to the heart of my being.
So, I sit by the person who used to be my mother. And I listen to words that are too vile to repeat. I sit in the dark writing this blog in my mind. I count the moments until I can leave this room and make it real. These words that I write truly are my sanity. I write them for me. I write them so that I can make sense of a disease that has none. I write them because it is the only escape that I am allowed to make. I just wish I could find the words to make my daughters believe that I am invincible again.