Be over soon...

“People think it's just forgetting your keys, she says. Or the words for things. But there are the personality changes. The mood swings. The hostility and even violence. Even from the gentlest person in the world. You lose the person you love. And you are left with the shell... And you are expected to go on loving them even when they are no longer there. You are supposed to be loyal. It’s not that other people expect it. It’s that you expect it of yourself. And you long for it to be over soon.”
― Alice LaPlante, Turn of Mind

So much in this quote is honest.  Honest because Alzheimer's is so much more that forgetting keys and names.  Yet it is deceptive in the fact that longing for it to be over doesn't sound that bad.  But, knowing that there is no cure, the reality is that the only way for it to be over means that you are wishing for your loved one to die.

I love my mother.  Sometimes I forget that  because this hideous disease hides her from me.  It hides her behind the "personality changes... mood swings... hostility... violence... "  But, I do love her.  However, this quote speaks a truth that I only whisper to people who understand.  I want it to end.  Soon.  I rarely say the words out loud.   They are said quietly because to want my mother to die is a feeling that isn't easy to admit.  But, it is nonetheless true.

Mom's body is very healthy for a woman who is almost 80.  She has no major health issues.  That is a blessing and a curse.  I am thankful that we aren't dealing with Diabetes, or Parkinson's, heart disease or any number of other ailments.  But, the reality is that because of that good health, we will probably go through every disgusting step of Alzheimer's.  So far, the disease has taken its toll on us in a mental sense.  The anger, frustration and resentment of the situation have all been at the forefront.  Soon, the physical side of the disease will show itself.  Eventually, she won't be able to walk, to talk, to swallow, to breathe.  So, yes, I want my mother to die.  I want her to die with as little physical pain as possible.  I want her to die with what remaining dignity this thief has left her. 

And, selfishly, I want to get back to my life.  I want my youngest daughter to have a sleepover.  I want my oldest to put her needs first and make choices that every 19 year old should be allowed to make instead of always making the choices that make my life easier.  I want to be able to celebrate the milestones in my children's lives without worrying about upsetting my mother.  I want to laugh in my own home without making someone angry.  I want to pay my bills on time, heck, I just want to be able to pay them.  I want to start remembering my mother before the disease made me hate her.  I want to start healing.  And I want it to be over before the stress of it kills me. 

Sleep is gooood...

Last night, Mom stood up and said, "I don't feel well.  I'm going to bed."   There's nothing amazing about that.  She says it dozens of times most every night.  What made this time noteworthy is the fact that she said it twice and then went to bed.  And stayed there.   We didn't hear a peep from her until about 5:20 this morning when she came out and loudly said, "Is anyone awake?"  Louder, "Is anyone awake?!"  Finally, "I am lonely and you should wake up and keep me company!"  Needless to say, we didn't.  She went back to bed and stayed there until 7:00.

What a gift.  I slept for 6 uninterrupted hours.  7 would have been great.  8 would have been amazing.  But, 6 it was and I am so very grateful. 

I miss being a wallflower...

Mom is sitting relatively quietly while I play a find-the-object game. Each time I find one, the game plays a totally random tone... Mom is singing along with the tones. So cute. When I finish a round, she says, "Why did you stop the song? I was singing with that!"

That was my Facebook status a mere 3 hours ago.  Within minutes of posting that fun, few minutes with Mom, the situation deteriorated... quickly.  "They" told her that I was going to kill her if I didn't let her leave.  I did my best to calm her but I just wasn't the person that she wanted to be trusting.  It got to the point that I just sat working on my laptop with earphones on, just so that I wouldn't lose my patience.  She became very angry and agitated.  She began grabbing at me.  She pulled so tightly on the sleeve of my hoodie that I figured it would be easier to just slide it off then to fight it out of her furiously clenched fist.  Yeah, next thing I knew I was standing in my jeans... no hoodie or shirt.

This journey seems to be a horribly choreographed dance... 2 steps forward, 3 to the side and 7 back.  There is no rhythm to it.  I just wish the song would end so that I could sit down and rest.  

Now that was funny...

Warning:  Some gross stuff in this one.

For tonight's entertainment we had a not so funny occurrence that was hilarious.

Mom came running out of the bathroom yelling, "Hurry!  It's broken!  Hurry!"  My oldest daughter ran in there and screams, "Oh, no!  Get out!"  I see her cringe as she looks at her grandmother and yells, "NO!  Don't get out!"  So, Mom tries to go back in and my darling daughter yells, "NO! Just don't move!"

Apparently, Mom had an accident and had "soil" all over her hands, hence the not letting her go out of the bathroom.  But, while she was trying to wash up, she somehow plugged the sink and let the water overflow.  My daughter walked into a room with an inch of water on the floor and a grandmother with "soil" all over herself.

As I went in and started mopping up the floor, my daughter is telling Mom, "Don't touch that!  No!  Don't touch that either!  Ewww!  Don't touch your face!  Mom! She's touching her face!" 

Washing towels:  About a $1.00
Showering Mom again:  Maybe 75 cents
Watching my daughter deal with it:  Definitely Priceless

For the win...

Around here, some days go into the win column simply because we survived them.  Today is one of those days. Or it will be when it is finally over.  I hope I'm not being too optimistic. 

Operator...

Mom went to bed a couple of hours ago and had been resting without any medicinal help.  As the rest of us sat in the dark on our various electronics, Mom burst into the room (scaring a scream out of me) and yells, "Where is it?  I can't find the phone!".  She's feeling around in the dark looking for it.  I get up and quietly coax her into the bathroom and give her a supplement to help her sleep.  She swallowed the pills with a drink of water.  She then put the cup to her chin and said, "Hello? Ma'am?  Operator, are you there?"  She looked at me and said, "She must have hung up." 

And I didn't even hear it ring!

Thank you, Sargeant Rivera...

Well, Operation Be A Kinder, Gentler Caregiver has been going for awhile now.  Overall, I'd give my self a solid B.  I've relaxed a lot and continue to try and see her as the victim.  She hasn't changed and I didn't expect her to.  She's still agitated and angry much of the time.  When I was in the Army I had a supervisor that gave some good advice.  He told us that when something hurts us or makes us angry that we should think of it like a hot ember landing on our arm and we should "just brush it off" before it burns us too severely.

So, after a week of non-stop brushing, I lost it.  I fixed Mom a plate of dinner... the exact same thing that we were all having.  It was so hot today that we sat outside on the front porch to eat.  As I sat down, she looked at my plate, that looked exactly like her plate, and she said, "Why is yours always bigger and better than mine?"  And I lost it.  I took my plate of food and scraped it onto hers and said, "There!  Now yours is bigger and better!" 

And she ate my dinner.