As I just pulled up my blog for the first time in 8 days, I am surprised at how much can happen in such a short amount of time. My last entry was such a silly reflection of a light moment in this disease. So, much has changed.
Mom is currently in the hospital fighting pneumonia. She has been there for the last 6 days. She's receiving 2 intravenous antibiotics, is hooked up to oxygen, has an alarm on her bed to notify the nursing staff if she attempts to get up, and has restraints on her wrists. While seeing her being restrained is uncomfortable for me, watching her trying to rip IVs out and pull off the oxygen that she desperately needs is worse.
Each day she looks weaker and more fragile to me. I am feeding her as if she is my child. I hold her hand, but it isn't to bring her comfort. It's almost as if we are arm wrestling. If I win, the tubes stay in place for just a little while longer. She regularly calls my name now, something she hasn't done in
years. Somehow in her fight, she knows that I'm the one who is there
with her. She begs me to help her. Yet, the help that I give is not what she's asking me for is not what she wants.
That leads me to wonder if, somewhere in the depths in her ravaged brain, she understands what is happening and just wants to be done.
So, for now, I am simply praying for peace and leaving it to Him to decide what that peace will be.