Friday, February 17, 2012

A time for grief...

An  old friend of my parents recently lost his 90 year old mother.  As far back as my high school days he lived with/took care of his mom. That was at least 35 years of his life that he devoted to her.  I ran into him the day after she passed.  He was simply devastated by the loss. And that is the way it should be when a child loses a parent.  As I walked away from him that day I felt such a strong sympathy for his loss. To have someone that you have loved and cared for for such a long time leave you is devastating.

But, the other feeling that I had was jealousy. Yes, jealousy.  I was jealous of his grief.  I am ashamed to say that I won't feel devastated by the loss of my mother. I will not feel grief over her passing.  I will feel an overwhelming sense of relief.  I love my mother.  But, I grieve for her passing each day that she slips further and further into her own mind.  I am devastated by what Alzheimer's takes from her and from my family each and every day.  Her biggest fear her entire adult life was the thought of losing her mind.  She would be inconsolable to know that her fear has become reality.

So, no, I will not grieve for the loss of my mother. It has already been done.

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