I didnt like Burger King anyway...

I am so upset and my thoughts are so jumbled that I don't know exactly how to put them into words.  I will do what I tell my kids to do... I will just start at the beginning and work my way through.

There was a power outage this morning for a few hours.  Our phones were almost dead, so we decided to go get a quick lunch and charge them in the car.  We went to Burger King because it's cheap and Mom is pretty relaxed there.  We ordered and chatted with the lady (Krystal) behind the counter who has befriended us.  Everything was going well, Mom had already tried to hit on the man behind us in line, so it was business as usual. But, as we walked away, scratch that... As Katie and I walked away, Mom leaned over to Krystal  and loudly said, "Don't make me go with her, she'll hurt me if you do."  From there it only got worse. 

Mom refused to move from the counter and effectively stopped the store in her tracks.  No one could order.  Every one stared.  Mom yelled that she wouldn't move because "she" (me) would kill her.  It took some coaxing, but Krystal came from behind the counter and finally got Mom to move further into the dining room.  But, that was as good as it was going to get.  She wouldn't let anyone help her and she would yell if I came within 15 feet of her.  She told anyone who would listen that I was going to hurt her, kill her, slit her throat, murder her, etc.  I was so embarrassed, frustrated and hurt. I was embarrassed because people were staring and talking. If you know me, I don't like being the center of attention.  Frustrated because it is my job to take care of her, to prevent these types of outbursts and to calm her if they occur anyway.  And I was hurt because, as irrational as it is, it was still my own mother accusing me of horrific things... in front of people who have no way of knowing the truth.

After a good seven or eight minutes of screaming and yanking herself away from anyone who offered to help, (yes, people offered, one lady stepped in and tried to help mom to her own table to join her for lunch) Katie was able to talk Mom into sitting down only by promising that she wouldn't let me join them.  I was left standing in the front of the store sobbing.  A big, rough looking man stepped forward, rubbed my arm and said, "Don't worry about it, we all have parents."  The lady who had offered Mom her own lunch, came and gave me a big hug and pulled a chair out and let me sit with her family so that I could watch Katie and Mom from a distance.  She offered me lunch and something to drink and just chatted like we were old friends until I was able to calm myself.  Various people offered sympathetic smiles or a hand on my shoulder as they passed by to their tables.  Krystal promised to pray for us. 

I could see that Mom was eating and Katie was getting frustrated, so I joined them.  Mom's focus had moved away from me being the one that would hurt her.  But, she was still paranoid.  We were told to watch for "her" or "that guy that is going to kill her". 

We finally made it to the car, where Mom promptly laid down to hide from "him".  The entire trip home she asked me to look behind the care and see of  "she" was still after her. 

As we sit here safely at home, I am trying to focus on the kindness of the many strangers who stepped forward to help.  Mom is dozing on the couch with no memory of her outburst.  And, I realize that is the only mercy of Alzheimer's.

Oh the irony...

You know how your hair always does what it is supposed to do on the day that you're getting it cut off?  It's like it knows that you're fed up and chopping it off.  Yeah, that's kind of like Mom today.  We have an appointment with the Neurologist in a couple of hours.  He's the one who adjusts her behavioral medications.  Guess what?  Her behavior is great today and that's without meds!  Why do I feel like there are rules to this game that Mom knows and I don't?

Goodnight...

Mom:  I'm going to say goodnight.
Me:  Okay.  Goodnight.
Mom:  I'M suppose to say it!
Me:  Okay.  Sorry.  I didn't say it.
Mom:  Thank you.  Goodnight.
Me:  Goodnight
Mom:  I'M saying it, not you!
Me:  Sorry.
Mom:  Goodnight.
Me:
Mom:  You can't even be polite and respond when I speak to you!

I seriously don't make this stuff up.

Change is good...

While I was getting Mom ready for her shower this morning, I asked her to take off her shoes.  First shoe comes off, a quarter and penny go rolling across the floor.  Second shoe comes off, another penny pings on the linoleum.  She stands up and takes her pants off, another quarter.  Gotta wonder what she is doing in her spare time.  So we're up to 52 cents.  By the time she stepped into the shower, there were 2 quarters and 5 pennies on the floor.  She showered and as she stepped out, I kid you not, another quarter drops from somewhere (do NOT make me think about where) onto the floor. 

I know you're thinking that this is kind of weird (and a little gross).  I'm thinking I made 80 cents. 

Sand castles...

Today was a bad day... more bad news in an already overwhelmingly bad time. As I sit here thinking, sinking into my melancholy, my mind's eye keeps seeing flashes of the ocean as it pounds the shore. I see a rather simple sand castle. There is a woman scrambling to finish the structure before the sea steals it all. The castle is humble. I feel the joy she is feeling in her work. As the tide finally starts to recede, I see her straighten and stretch her tired muscles, tears slowly slipping down her cheeks. She looks at me and I feel her struggle... the struggle of knowing that her castle is safe for today but if she wants it to stand tomorrow, she must return and fight the fight again. All the while knowing that the ocean is merciless and it will take it all. The sea will win. The sea always wins. And she will wonder why she fought at all. 

Things you never want to hear...

Mom just walked into the room and said, "It's cold in here.  Do you know where the matches are?"

Cutting off my nose to spite my face...

So, my brother won't be watching our mom on graduation night.  No, he didn't back out.  We did.  Turns out that my oldest daughter was as uncomfortable as I was about accepting the "favor" from him.  Ironic that watching his mother is a favor to us, but anyway...

Everything about it made me uncomfortable.

- If we had let him do it I would feel like I owed him a thank you.  I don't see or hear either of my brothers thanking me.  It is assumed that since I volunteered that I somehow have given up any expectations of gratitude.*  One of them once said that since I volunteered that I deserve what I get.  Yeah, no gratitude there.  So, I am petty enough that offering my thanks for a couple of hours of help is not going to happen. 

- I would have to speak to him.  I don't want to do that.  He cut us out of his life.  He is not going to be welcomed into ours because of this.  This time is for my youngest and I don't want to ruin it by adding the stress of dealing with him to her special day.  I want to focus on the joy, not the jerk. 

-He is not welcome in this house.  And he made it clear that he would not take Mom into his.  He was angry the last time he watched her here because we don't have cable. Apparently, he missed a big game.  Can you imagine the trauma of such a loss?  Such a sacrifice he made.  Yeah, cable was the first thing to go when I left my job to do this.  He's lucky we had electricity for him to read by. 

-I am so angry and disappointed with him that I could spit.  I put up with a lot from people.  I tend to forgive very easily, but once I'm done, I am done.  Accepting his help at this point would be more stress than I can handle and would make me feel like a hypocrite.
 
So, my oldest daughter will miss her sister's graduation so that she can watch her grandmother.  That makes me sad.  There is so little that we are able to do as a family.  But, it is a solution that I can live with for now.  


*After reading this through I need to clarify... I don't need or expect gratitude.  That is not why I'm here.  It is simply that I would appreciate it if he could recognize that my family has made huge sacrifices for this situation.  Whether I volunteered or not, we are here in the trenches everyday which gives him the luxury of ignoring the entire situation.