Thursday, March 9, 2017

It is so dark...

(Written November 12, 2016)

The bright screen in the middle of the dark night calls me once again.

I am consumed with dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I want to blame Alzheimer's but this time I'm afraid the evil thief is only partially to blame. The rest falls to me.

I haven't told many people, but I found a job several months back. After almost a year of searching, applying and hearing nothing, any job is a blessing. I hate my job. I hate the hours. I hate what I do. I hate it. The first 3 months were Hell. I became physically ill each time I thought of clocking in for the day. I called in sick too much. For the first time in my life, I was a bad employee. When I was at work I tried and gave it my all. But, I hated going to work. And my body helped me find reasons not to go.

And six months into it, I still hate going to this job. Even as I work through it I am going further and further into debt. I am so very ashamed and so very unhappy. Today I thought about death. My death specifically. I am having some painful, but not life threatening, medical problems, but my mind goes to the fact that I could better financially provide for my family by dying then by showing up to a job that makes me so very unhappy.

I am not suicidal. I haven't considered ways to "do it". But, I am afraid that I could find my way there. I love my daughters more than anything in this world. I want to help them and be there for them but I can't do it if I can't pull myself up and out of this darkness.

I have no one to talk to who isn't involved and invested in my condition. No money to pay someone to listen to me. I sit here in the dark, alone, weeping silently while the rest of the house sleeps. I have become the burden I so very much don't want to be. And I can't stop it from happening.

I want my life back. I want my confidence. I want my laughter. I want my health- mental and physical- and I want to be able to pay my own bills and my own way. 57 years old and my daughter is supporting me. I want to be the example that my girls can be proud of. I am ashamed.

I miss me so much.

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