Thanksgiving...

There are certain days of the year that I wake with a certain reverence, similar to how you might feel walking into a religious sanctuary or during a funeral for a loved one.  I just know that the day is different from the rest.  It is special and should be respected.  One of those days, for me, is Thanksgiving.  It is traditionally a day of family, food, and fun.  But, more than that, it is a day of inner reflection and gratitude.

I feel such a deep respect for what the day represents that it always comes as a surprise to me when others don't feel it, that it is just another day, maybe with fun trimmings, but it's just a day.  And, I know that it is my expectations of the day being placed on others, that sets me up for disappointment.

It really was unrealistic of me to hope for a nice holiday with Mom.  For her, it truly was just another day.  And my unfulfilled expectations made the day seem even worse.  Mom was in a very negative mood.  She seemed to be looking for a fight.  No matter what was said, even when we agreed with her, she would turn it around on us.  We were in a state of constant turmoil.  We worked in shifts, one of us would "guard" Mom, keeping her out of trouble and as calm as possible, while the other two readied dinner.  It is hard to be reverent and full of gratitude while playing sentry to someone who is bitterly unhappy.

I am aware that most of my posts are about me and my feelings.  And I know, I truly know, that she cannot help herself.  I know that it is the disease that I hate.  I work hard to find things that I am grateful for today. But, they are there.

11/29/13