Small steps...

I've been working on my anger.  I'm doing better but I still have a long way to go.

One of the things that I am trying to do is to observe Mom when she isn't trying for attention by being angry and negative.  Last night while I was lying on the couch in the dark I watched her stand in the dimly lit hallway.  She was mildly agitated, but not angry.  As she stood there, I could see the confusion and frustration.  She seemed to know that she was someplace familiar but knew it wasn't her home.  She was quiet, not bothering anyone (that would soon come) but clearly not comfortable.  It was after 11 and she had gone to bed several hours before.  She was up and down for almost a half an hour before she loudly said, "I need to go home.  NOW!"  I ended up spending almost 3 hours in her room, just sitting next to her bed, letting her know that I was there.  I have to be honest, it was more to let my daughters get some sleep than it was to calm Mom.  But, I wasn't angry. 

I am hoping that by focusing on her when she is calmer, I will see the human side of her suffering.  I need to focus on the disease and not her behavior.  I need to accept that she is the victim.  I need to stop blaming her and know that Alzheimer's is the villain. I need to feel her pain and remember that she did not choose this journey. 

I may be taking small steps, but they will still get me where I need to go.