It has been a rough couple of days.
My life has become a life of extremes. Mom is either very calm and placid or she is agitated and violent. The problem lies in the quickness that she shifts between the extremes. I cannot adjust quickly enough to encourage one while defending myself from the other. She is living in a very delusional state and, since I am not privy to her thoughts, the simplest wrong answer sets her off.
Today it was the introduction of a new pair of pants. Her reactions varied from anger that she didn't like the pants, to accusations that I had stolen the pants, to denial that she stole the pants, to fear that she was going to lose her job because the pants were the wrong color, to gratitude that I bought her new pants, to violence that I had no right getting into her stuff, to accusations that "that man" was going to kill me for stealing the pants, to can we go for coffee now? This, and various degrees of each reaction, all occurred in a matter of an hour. And were replayed for 2 more.
How can I keep up? How can I remain calm enough to prevent the escalation of the situation when she uses violence and then has no recollection of it? I am not ready to make nice. How can I answer a simple question correctly? How can I stay sane?
I know that each day that I have any semblance of normalcy with her is rare. I know that this disease only becomes worse. I know that the world of medicine can only do so much for this heinous disease. And I know that we are probably past that point. I have to face the fact that I will soon have to make a more permanent decision. For my sanity, for the sake of my family and for her own safety.
You are doing and have done all that is humanly possible for her. You give and give of yourself to her and to the girls. You also need to place a value on yourself. I know you promised Mom to not put her in a home as long as possible, but she may be at the point where that is the safest option for her, the girls, AND you. Doing that would not be dishonoring your promise or her, but in valuing the safety of all. Places with Alzheimer care units are trained specifically in the chaos that is this disease. I love you, N, and can feel your pain and it breaks my heart for you. I know you feel torn and guilty for even feeling like you are nearing the end of yourself and what you feel capable of doing for her, but YOU ARE PRECIOUS. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE AND HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING DAUGHTER. Circumstances do not change TRUTH.
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