Just a quick funny from Mom:
Mom seems to be especially confused right after she wakes up. I'm guessing it's because her dreams take her to another time when her memories are stronger. So, when she wakes up her present doesn't seem real. Anyway, she took a short nap this afternoon and woke up very agitated. We had a long conversation (that is a very generous word for what we did, lol) about where and who she was. She asked who I was and I said, "I'm your daughter." She responded very angrily, "You couldn't be my daughter. I'm younger and better looking than you!!"
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The wall...
Yesterday I shared that my brother saved the day with Mom. What I didn't emphasize enough was that he also saved my sanity. I had basically slammed into a wall with the expected results... it hurt. And, just like Wiley Coyote trying to get dinner, I was doing the only thing that I knew how to do... I was backing up and slamming into it again. Each slam hurt more than the last, until my body and my mind just couldn't take it any longer.
But a funny thing happened when he offered and gave help... he moved the wall away from me just a bit. I'm still running for it but now I have time to think about what will happen if I allow myself to slam into it. And the time is just enough that I am able to think of things that I would rather do than slam into it. This has allowed me to become more like the person that I believe I am. And, in doing so, Mom has become calmer. And a calm Mom nudges that wall just a little farther away from me. She is still combative and argumentative. The difference is that I'm not.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A helping hand...
It has been a rough few days. Mom's situation with the medical issue got much worse... not her condition... but her refusal to get help. She yelled at me all weekend that she needed to see a doctor. So, first thing Monday morning I got her into the car, got her to the doctor, and and was able to do a little bit of the paperwork before she began attempting her escape. She started very quietly, just a few steps towards the door. Soon, she began vehemently shaking her head and screaming that she was NOT going in there. Short of physically forcing her (and, at this point I couldn't have done it anyway) we had to leave once again.
In the parking lot, I called one of my brothers hoping that he could come take over. I sobbed that I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. He listened and said all the right things and then he told me his plan. I took her home and let her yell at me for the rest of the day about how badly she needed to see a doctor. Oh, the irony.
Then first thing this morning (Tuesday) I loaded Mom up, took her to breakfast and then drove to the doctor's office. As I approached the office, I saw my brother standing there at the entrance with a wheelchair. He opened the door and said, "Hello, Mrs. Bullock. We're all ready for you." He took her in and I drove away. 30 minutes later he texted me and said they were done and that he was filling her prescriptions.
Tonight I feel like the weight of the world has been taken off of my shoulders. It is amazing how a helping hand at the right time can make it all better.
In the parking lot, I called one of my brothers hoping that he could come take over. I sobbed that I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. He listened and said all the right things and then he told me his plan. I took her home and let her yell at me for the rest of the day about how badly she needed to see a doctor. Oh, the irony.
Then first thing this morning (Tuesday) I loaded Mom up, took her to breakfast and then drove to the doctor's office. As I approached the office, I saw my brother standing there at the entrance with a wheelchair. He opened the door and said, "Hello, Mrs. Bullock. We're all ready for you." He took her in and I drove away. 30 minutes later he texted me and said they were done and that he was filling her prescriptions.
Tonight I feel like the weight of the world has been taken off of my shoulders. It is amazing how a helping hand at the right time can make it all better.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Roommates...
I used to have a roommate, who like most roommates, sometimes drove me crazy. We were good friends and we spent a lot of time laughing together. But she had some really annoying habits. Most were superficial things that occur when two strangers live together. But, I used to gripe to my mom every time she irritated me. And I never realized how bad my griping had become until my mom admitted that she disliked her. I was shocked! She was a great person. But, all my mom ever heard was the bad stuff. She never heard about the time that we declared a water fight on our neighbors but never announced it to them. Or the all-night laugh fests with our pals Ben & Jerry. Mom was never privy to the positive times.
I bring this up because I have a different roommate now. And I feel like I only talk about the painful "she's driving me crazy" stuff. Don't mistake me, this is real and it is horrible. But, there are positives. And just as soon as I think of some I will tell you all about them.
I was going to stop there because it made me laugh. But, that wasn't the purpose of this post. Of course, there are positives. Some days are better than others. I just don't want anyone to think that every moment of every day is horrible. Every moment is a challenge, but they aren't always bad. And as stressful as these times are for me, I cannot fathom how scary and horrendous they are for her.
I bring this up because I have a different roommate now. And I feel like I only talk about the painful "she's driving me crazy" stuff. Don't mistake me, this is real and it is horrible. But, there are positives. And just as soon as I think of some I will tell you all about them.
I was going to stop there because it made me laugh. But, that wasn't the purpose of this post. Of course, there are positives. Some days are better than others. I just don't want anyone to think that every moment of every day is horrible. Every moment is a challenge, but they aren't always bad. And as stressful as these times are for me, I cannot fathom how scary and horrendous they are for her.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Sweet, little, old lady...
Today has been one of those days that I just question what I am doing here and why do I even try.
Mom has a non-emergency condition that needs to be seen by a doctor. It causes her some pain that is manageable with some Tylenol but still needs to be addressed. She reminds me every chance she gets that I am cruel and inattentive by not taking her to the doctor. NOW. She has attempted to walk to the doctor on a Sunday afternoon. She has threatened me to get me to take me to the doctor.
Now, my side of the story. I have tried on several occasions since Sunday to get her to the doctor. Each time she refuses. Either she denies she has a problem or refuses (physically and verbally) to go. Today I had had enough. Come Hell or high water she was going to see some one. I took her to Urgent Care because the other appointments had to be cancelled. I try to help her out of the car. Nope. She doesn't need a doctor and she will not go in. Short of dragging her, I am forced to get back in the car and drive home.
We walk in the house and she starts yelling at me that she needs to see a doctor!! Yes, Mom, I know you do. And judging by the aroma in here, apparently, you now need a shower. What proceeds can best be described as verbal chaos. Between the two hours of her arguments that she took 3 showers last night and the demands that she be allowed to put the nasty clothes that she is wearing back on... we did not make it to the doctor again today.
All of this has me wondering whether every Alzheimer's patient is this stubborn. Is it their way of maintaining some semblance of control in their lives? Is it another type of short circuit in the brain? Why does asking someone to do something so simple have to be so very hard?
And then it hit me. This is the woman who drove around on an expired license for 2 and a half years! Why? Because she was told that she had to renew it. That's right someone was telling her she had to have a current license so she refused to renew it. Stubborn? You bet.
So, why am I writing this and showing everyone our tension filled and trivial situations? Because Alzheimer's is not always to blame for the crap in my life. It might aggravate it. And it certainly brings it to a head. But, it does not turn a stubborn woman into a sweet, little, old lady.
Mom has a non-emergency condition that needs to be seen by a doctor. It causes her some pain that is manageable with some Tylenol but still needs to be addressed. She reminds me every chance she gets that I am cruel and inattentive by not taking her to the doctor. NOW. She has attempted to walk to the doctor on a Sunday afternoon. She has threatened me to get me to take me to the doctor.
Now, my side of the story. I have tried on several occasions since Sunday to get her to the doctor. Each time she refuses. Either she denies she has a problem or refuses (physically and verbally) to go. Today I had had enough. Come Hell or high water she was going to see some one. I took her to Urgent Care because the other appointments had to be cancelled. I try to help her out of the car. Nope. She doesn't need a doctor and she will not go in. Short of dragging her, I am forced to get back in the car and drive home.
We walk in the house and she starts yelling at me that she needs to see a doctor!! Yes, Mom, I know you do. And judging by the aroma in here, apparently, you now need a shower. What proceeds can best be described as verbal chaos. Between the two hours of her arguments that she took 3 showers last night and the demands that she be allowed to put the nasty clothes that she is wearing back on... we did not make it to the doctor again today.
All of this has me wondering whether every Alzheimer's patient is this stubborn. Is it their way of maintaining some semblance of control in their lives? Is it another type of short circuit in the brain? Why does asking someone to do something so simple have to be so very hard?
And then it hit me. This is the woman who drove around on an expired license for 2 and a half years! Why? Because she was told that she had to renew it. That's right someone was telling her she had to have a current license so she refused to renew it. Stubborn? You bet.
So, why am I writing this and showing everyone our tension filled and trivial situations? Because Alzheimer's is not always to blame for the crap in my life. It might aggravate it. And it certainly brings it to a head. But, it does not turn a stubborn woman into a sweet, little, old lady.
Monday, August 20, 2012
She knows what she likes...
Just a quick funny from Mom:
Tonight she asked me if I would like some tea or coffee. I said, no, that I don't drink either. She responded with, "I drink coffee when I go out because they know how to make it. That's why I only drink water here."
Tonight she asked me if I would like some tea or coffee. I said, no, that I don't drink either. She responded with, "I drink coffee when I go out because they know how to make it. That's why I only drink water here."
She can feel your love...
This is a note to my family and friends.
I know that you love my Mom. She is your sister, aunt, grandmother and friend. I know some of you want to come see her. But, she is not here anymore. She is gone. Watching this hideous disease rob my mother of her very dignity breaks my heart every moment of every day. And while I will not keep her from you, I truly don't think any of you are prepared to see her as she is now. Each day I get up and think that as long as it isn't any worse than the day before that we can get through it. But, each day is worse than the day before. What worked yesterday doesn't work today. And, what works today probably won't work tomorrow. Our chances of her having a good day are very slim. And getting slimmer. She would be devastated to have you see her like this. So, I ask you to continue loving my Mother. But, please remember her the way she would like to be remembered. Full of piss and vinegar. Avoiding cameras. Making peanut butter gravy on steak and rubber hamburger in her tacos. And, when the need to see her becomes strong? Please offer an extra prayer for her to find peace. I know that deep inside where her very soul remains intact and whole, she can feel your love.
I know that you love my Mom. She is your sister, aunt, grandmother and friend. I know some of you want to come see her. But, she is not here anymore. She is gone. Watching this hideous disease rob my mother of her very dignity breaks my heart every moment of every day. And while I will not keep her from you, I truly don't think any of you are prepared to see her as she is now. Each day I get up and think that as long as it isn't any worse than the day before that we can get through it. But, each day is worse than the day before. What worked yesterday doesn't work today. And, what works today probably won't work tomorrow. Our chances of her having a good day are very slim. And getting slimmer. She would be devastated to have you see her like this. So, I ask you to continue loving my Mother. But, please remember her the way she would like to be remembered. Full of piss and vinegar. Avoiding cameras. Making peanut butter gravy on steak and rubber hamburger in her tacos. And, when the need to see her becomes strong? Please offer an extra prayer for her to find peace. I know that deep inside where her very soul remains intact and whole, she can feel your love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)