It's been almost a year since I've been here (kind of) and almost 18 months since Mom found peace. I didn't think that I would need this blog anymore. I thought that the healing was going to be simple. I thought it would have progressed to the point of becoming just a scar that I notice now and then, not a gaping wound that doesn't seem to heal. I am here because I feel it's important to tell more of my journey through (and after) Alzheimer's.
I said "kind of" about not writing for almost a year. I found a post that I wrote in November that I didn't publish. I just reread it and it broke my heart. I haven't progressed from that dark time. In fact, I have digressed. The wound has gotten deeper and angrier.
I have moved into such a dark place. I was placed on disability for 6 weeks because I am so severely depressed and anxious that I called out to work for 14 days straight due to panic attacks. No amount of bills that need to be paid (and there are a lot of those), the shame of failure, or the disappointment in myself could make me go.
I was released to return to work 4 days ago and only made it through the first day. I called in the next two. I HAVE to return to work tomorrow and am distraught and nauseated at the thought.
I am receiving professional help in the way of therapy, medications, and classes to relieve stress and rebuild my self-esteem. I'm learning how to talk to myself without calling myself horrible names (a habit a learned while being isolated with Mom). I am researching and finding that many caregivers have a difficult time adjusting and moving on from the stress and trauma.
I know I will get through this. I KNOW I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
I know I will get through this. I KNOW I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
P.S.
I published the post from November if you choose to read it. "It is so dark..."
I published the post from November if you choose to read it. "It is so dark..."
I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible time. I'll be saying daily prayers for you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as I have went through a very dark depression years ago. I do understand and I am here many years later. You will get better. Love you in Christ Caren L Stevens.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking a lot about you lately. Wondering often how you are coping. You are in a hard season. You are a veteran care-giver. I know you feel used up, but let me suggest to you that perhaps it would do you well to serve again. I am not talking of course in this down to your bones, nothing left of you, capacity, but serve.. The Lord has blessed you with extraordinary skills! "Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve;" 1 Peter 5:2
ReplyDeleteYou have been an amazing example of servitude! I am humbled by you.. by your capacity to love and serve and care...
I want to ask you.. to "Choose Joy". Take off the coat of oppression, find a place to gather with others. Count your blessings. One.by.One.
I consider it a privilege and an honor to read your words. I know each one was carefully chosen and has a lifetime of pain, happiness and experience behind it. You are a seasoned craftsman!
Perhaps God's plan for you now is to write... Perhaps, you could speak and share your testimony..
I am going to leave you with two verses..
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Nancy, you are a dear cousin to me. I love you.. I will continue to pray for you. You are an encouragement and a beacon of light. Even in the darkest days, you have much to offer.
Bless you...
Carolyn