Alzheimer's became the focus of this
blog almost 3 years ago. Sometimes, I go back and read my old posts.
Some of them are funny and help me to see the lighter side of this
disease. But, some of them are candid looks at this disease and the
havoc it wreaks. I have mixed emotions about all that I read...
-I am a mixture of extremes. Full of
patience or intolerance. Lacking faith or faithful. Angry but able
to see the funny. Selfless and selfish. Loving and hateful. Hopeful and discouraged. I
cover it all.
-Little has changed for her. With
minor exceptions, she is basically still in the same stage that she
was in 2½ years ago. She is still combative, angry, delusional and
negative. She has no humor, compassion, or empathy. She still is
able to go to the bathroom herself. She still hasn't “eaten in 3
days” but fights about any food put in front of her. Her sleep
habits are a little better, her delusions a little worse.
-I am coming to grips with the fact
that I have little family left. My friends and extended family offer more
support and love than my own brothers. I am grateful for all that help, but hurt by my brothers.
-I have changed. I am now always
angry. I have more faith, but feel I am undeserving of help. I have
no tolerance for anything that I consider a mistake that I've made.
And everything is a mistake. I have exhausted all patience. When I
consider the small amount of advancement that this disease has made I
am unbelievably discouraged. I want my life, back but now feel it
will never happen. I am past the point of digging my way out.
This blog has been a blessing in so
many ways. I am able to say what I feel with few filters and that helps to relieve the stress. But,
reading the proof of decline- mine, not hers- is both discouraging
and heartbreaking to me. I don't have another 2½ years left to give
her.
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