Grrr or ouch...

Recently, I was asked what Mom says to me that hurts.  There are a lot of things that she says that push my buttons.  Words that hurt me?  Not as much.

Things that push my button are things like this morning, after a very bad night of her waking us several times an hour, she inferred that I had taken her boobs out the bottom of her bra. Yep.  When the rest of the world is sleeping, I sneak in and move an old woman's boobs around.  Or the times that she has griped and griped about lack of food, with my knowing that she had eaten very recently, only for her to refuse to eat when I get tired of the griping and I give her more food.  Then, as it is sitting in front of her uneaten, she gripes that no one will feed her.  There are more examples but you get the idea.

Things that get to my heart are much fewer and less frequent.  In fact, I'd say they are rare anymore.  I should point out that this journey teaches you to protect your heart.  When your own mother spews horrible accusations and disgusting names at you, you learn to build a barrier between her words and your feelings.  And, I've heard a lot of that.  Anymore, the only times that her words hurt are when they are said in front of strangers.  When she tells people that I abuse her or beat her, it hurts, not because she's saying them, but because someone might believe her. 

As I was rereading this I thought of something that does hurt, then and now.  Every so often, she will be very angry and hurt that I don't do enough for her, that I am selfish.  And that hurts to my soul.