I need help. I need to find me again. I've lost the person that I was. The smart alecky, sarcastic, silly person who could almost always find a smile is gone. I have become a hermit. Yes, partly by circumstance, but mostly because I avoid people. I don't want to talk to anyone or let them see who I have become. I would rather stay home than see the people I care about. It is becoming almost painful to socialize.
I dread the question, "How is your Mom?" I know it is a polite question full of genuine interest. But, I have no answer. She's dying. She's miserable. So, do I tell the truth or do I find a fake smile and answer, "The same."?
But, even more, I dread the question, "How are you?" Because I'm afraid I will melt into a puddle of tears if I have to answer. I'm afraid that the truth will push people away even farther than these circumstances require. I dread the pity that I will see. Luckily, I am rarely asked about me. Maybe people sense my reluctance to answer or are afraid of my answer.
Maybe I am invisible.
You aren't invisible to me at all. You are my friend and I love you and I do care about how YOU are doing, all of you. But I also completely, COMPLETELY understand this: But, even more, I dread the question, "How are you?" Because I'm afraid I will melt into a puddle of tears if I have to answer. I'm afraid that the truth will push people away even farther than these circumstances require. I dread the pity that I will see." It's easier for me to put on the fake smile with others than for me to be around people that I know genuinely care and want to know how I am, as I fear the dam will burst and off they will go if they see the real me in these real circumstances that are my life right now.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I love you dear friend.
That is it exactly... but more. I'm having a hard time putting on the fake smile even with strangers. The well seems to have run dry.
DeleteI love you, too, Sweet Friend. <3