I have thought long and hard about this and how to explain to her why I reject something that she sees in this situation. The truth is, I reject all labels that cast me in a positive light for simply doing something that has to be done. Doing the right thing when there is no other choice... is not heroic. Doing that right thing and resenting every moment of it... is not heroic. I am here because there is no other choice. And I do resent every moment of it.
I keep returning to a short conversation that I had with my mom many years ago. Mom had done something very kind for someone. I no longer remember who she was helping or even what she had done. But, I do remember telling my mom that I thought that she was a very nice person. She shook her head and said that she wasn't nice at all. So, I asked her how she could do something so kind and not think that she was a nice person. Her response was, "Because I know what I was thinking when I did it and it wasn't nice."
For her, thoughts and intentions mattered more than the action. And that is the best way I can think of to explain my feelings... my thoughts are very clear while caring for my mother. And I know they are not worthy of the label of hero.
My friend understands that the word "hero" (or any of those positive labels) does not give me a feeling of support. On the contrary, it reminds me of how unworthy I am to be the one caring for my mom. But, I will take that thought one step further. While the word "hero" does not support me, the thought and feeling coming from the people saying it does. I reject the label, I do not reject the intention.
As a fellow disgruntled caregiver of parent I just want to let you know that you are not alone in these feelings. The occasional phone calls from my aunts or worse my siblings singing my praise kills me, because I know I can never be ash heroic as my mother was parenting us who btw also resented it the majority of the time.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't stand the comment"you are so strong doing this" always followed by" cuz I know I could never do it, I'd go crazy!" I wasn't strong. And somedays I felt I was going crazy, but my faith helped me get thru another day another night, repeat......respite care helped me. I could breath fully again, rethink, regroup myself.
ReplyDeleteThank you BOTH for understanding. It feels so much better to know that we are not alone and that people understand! God Bless you both!
ReplyDeleteDear Nancy...I am not in the situation that you are in, but I can so relate to what you are saying. I tend to discount all that I do when I know my thoughts and heart are not where I feel they "should" be. And I have all kinds of saintly and idealistic "shoulds" that I never seem to measure up to. I bless you. I lift you up to the Father and ask again that He alone would be the standard of worth and praise you receive in the midst of this painful situation.
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