I'm not holding my breath...

Most days, being a caregiver to a family member with Alzheimer's, are stressful. But, some days, some days, are Hell. There are no good days anymore. But, days like today are just unbearable.

Today was one of the bad ones. It was one of the days that I think I hate myself more than I hate her. She is almost always uncooperative and mean, but today we went to new extremes. She was not happy with anything today. And, the whining. Oh my goodness, the whining. It seemed, no, it was, non-stop. And, I lost all patience by mid-afternoon, hence the self-hatred. Even my youngest daughter, who had been at school for most of the day, commented, “What's wrong with Grandma today?”

It's now after 10 and the guilt is eating at me. I am so obviously at the end of my tolerance (screaming and yelling at a sick, old woman is a good indication), that my oldest daughter is in the bedroom trying to get Mom to sleep. I can already tell that it's not going to happen. And, if I'm wrong and her body becomes just tired enough to relax and be able to rest, it is going to be short-lived. But, the fact that my child had to take over my responsibility is crushing to me. It's my job as her mother to protect her from life's nastiness, not shove it at her in a 100 pound package.

Well, in the time that it took to write this, Mom's screaming has calmed to loud complaining. I don't want to get my hopes up. I have slept for a solid 6 hours two nights in a row. I'm not going to hold my breath hoping for a third.

And, it the time that I wrote that last paragraph, the screaming has begun again. No, I'm not holding my breath.