I will be positive...

I am doing better in my latest attempt at staying positive.  With each set back, I have responded with a positive spin on it much more quickly.  I am truly thankful for the help that I have received, so far.  Every bit of it is more than I had just a few short months ago.

I accepted the insurance company's decision to try in-home care before they would approve placing Mom into a facility.  I even accepted their in-home care approval letter for ONE day of nursing with the thought that one day was better than none.  Plus, I figured that the one day that a nurse was here would be enough for them to see that she needs better help than what I can give her.

I have watched the meds slowly become more effective.  She can go a couple of hours now without any physical outbursts or extreme meltdowns. But, a couple hours a day of relative peace (she is still negative and nasty even with the medications) is not true peace.  However, it is better than it was.  Her medications have never made any difference in the late afternoon when the cursed Sundowners kicks in.  But, the positive there comes from the knowledge that she will soon be tired and want to lie down for a couple of hours.  It still won't be quiet, but the noise will be in another room.

But, these drugs that calm her and/or allow her a complete night's sleep (and us a restful night, as well) cause dizziness.  We have exchanged the horrible outbursts and violence for her falling.  Now, I am on alert nonstop for the dreaded scream that she has fallen.  A sound that I have heard at least a dozen times in the last month.  Each time that we pick her up and brush her off, we are thankful that nothing more serious has happened.

She fell at the daycare and took down an aide who was trying to help her.  She came home with a huge goose egg and bruising.  Because of the falling, the doctor took her off of the medications.  I understand that that was the right decision.  I know it is a matter of time before Mom seriously hurts herself when she falls, and that is when, not if.  I will attempt to be positive as I wean her off of the drugs.  I am sure that I will be chipper as we spend the next 3 months with no drugs to calm her as we wait for her neurology appointment.   I will try to look forward to the call that tells me that the daycare will not allow her to attend if she is not on any medications to calm her. 

And I will be positive when I tell you that I am done.  I have nothing left to give.