Absence of faith...

How do I do this?  I am flipping going crazy.  I don't know how to be  pushed while being pulled, praised while being cursed, threatened by a hand raised in anger at me while the same hand extends to me for help.  All of these things occur, what seemingly feels like, non-stop.  But my failing faith is what is killing me.  I thought I had a solid relationship with God and a strong faith.  But each day I am drifting further and further away.  After each nasty and vile word that she spews at me she says, "God Bless You" in a calm and soothing way. And each day and most of the night I hear her prayers.  I am being bombarded with her never ending litanies of begging Him for mercy,  begging Him for mercy and the answer is always no. 

This is all a bad dream.  And I can't wake up.  In the dream  I am showing up for class and taking notes.  I am trying to hear what the Professor is saying to me.  But, each day I am failing the test.  And it's as if the test never ends.

My friends tell me to pray.  To read the Bible.  But I can't  talk to Him.  I feel He has turned His back on me. I know He hasn't and that I am just not listening.  But I am being bombarded to the point that I cannot hear anything but HER.  And each time that she has said these hateful and vile things, and I am at the end of all that I have, she turns to me and says, "God Bless You!"  As if it is a curse and a blessing all rolled into one sentence.  But the worst, the absolute worst for me, is in that moment when I hear her say those words, my immediate reaction is, "Maybe someday." 

In my calm moments when the house is quiet, I recognize that I have many, many blessings.  And I still find moments in my day when I offer up thanks for the small blessings that present themselves.  And I still ask for his guidance and His forgiveness.  But, when I am dealing with Mom, I doubt Him and I am angry with Him. I am finding that the doubt is spilling over more and more into my quiet time. 

I hate Alzheimer's for taking my mother, my girls' childhoods, my family, my financial security and my way of life.  But I despise it for taking my faith.