My Day...

I have always been able to see both sides of almost any situation.  I was lousy in debates because I would agree with both sides.  I am the kind of middle of the road voter that politicians should seek out (but they don't).  I can empathize and sympathize with the best of them.

But today is Tuesday.  And Tuesday is my day, my time, and my choices.  It is my day to be selfish.  So, why am I here putting up with this?  Because I don't have "plans".  Or, rather, my plans aren't important enough to be considered.  I am here because I understand that things come up that make giving me my day inconvenient.  So, here I am dealing with the very things that make a selfish day necessary.  And I am not feeling very compassionate or empathetic right now.  But I am feeling pissed.   

An Alarming Thought...

Going shopping with Mom can be quite an experience these days.  She tells random people bits of useless information.  Most people smile kindly and keep going.  She has long, one-sided conversations with people who don't speak English.  She waves at kids and tells them thank you when they wave back.    She offers people a nickel if they will take her home with them.  She walks at least 5 paces behind us.  Always.  Today we were in the middle of our second store when I realized that her pants were on backwards.  All silly things in which I can see the humor.

Lately, though, she has been setting off the shoplifting alarms when we leave and when we enter stores.  I have searched her purse and her wallet and cannot find what is activating it.  The stores don't seem to mind when we are coming in but they often question us as we are leaving.  I have a feeling that one of these days we are going to get someone who won't believe me and will want to strip search her.  That's okay by me as long as they put her pants on right when they are through.

Just For Grins...

I had this posted on my Facebook page but it just makes me smile so I want to keep it a little more permanently.

This reminds me of Mom when she wakes up before I do:


One morning she even asked me, "Did you know that you are asleep?"





This is obviously a Disney/Pixar picture from Finding Nemo. 

Darkness...

I am trying so very hard to find positive in this entire situation.  But, tonight it's just not working.  I am feeling lonely and sad.  I am in the midst of people but I feel invisible.  I know that I am loved but I feel betrayed.

I know that this is not about me but I want to be selfish.  Where is my caretaker?  Where is my support?  I know people have their lives and their issues but just a kind word or an acknowledgment that I am here would mean the world.  My daughters do an amazing job of making my life easier and giving me a reason to get up and embrace the sunshine each day.  They have been forced to give so much.  They have given their childhoods.  But when I'm in my deepest, darkest place and I need them the most I cannot ask for more and they do not offer.  They have already given too much.  And I am alone.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I wish that I wasn't always so eager to volunteer.

Sometimes, I want to grab my children, run, and never look back.

Sometimes, I wish this horrible disease would just stop.

Sometimes, the cruelty of this disease is overwhelming.

Sometimes, it is so sad that it is funny.

Sometimes, I want to go back to when this disease was just starting and I didn't think that it could get worse.

Sometimes, I wish my kids were able to remember their grandmother when she wasn't angry.

Sometimes, I would like to be the person that I thought I was.

Sometimes, I need to remember that we do what we have to do and that there is no other choice.  

Sometimes, I want to scream but I say nothing at all.

Sometimes, the guilt is the hardest burden of all.

Myths...

I thought I'd share some myths about Alzheimer's.

1)  There is a test to diagnose Alzheimer's. There is not... They basically rule out other possible causes of the symptoms.  The final diagnoses is made after death.  However, they are close to developing a blood test to diagnose it.

2)  You can stop the disease with medications.  Basically, the medications buy some time.  It can slow the symptoms but there is no cure.  Some patients do not even respond to the meds.

3)  Alzheimer's is not a fatal disease.  Because the disease usually occurs in the elderly they often die from other causes.  But, it is a progressive disease that can lead to death.

4)  Alzheimer's only affects the elderly.  9 out of 10 Alzheimer's patients are over the age of 65.  But, there are patients who are diagnosed as early as their 30s.

5)  Depression causes Alzheimer's.  Patients with Alzheimer's are often depressed but it is not a cause.

6)  Symptoms of Alzheimer's are reversible.  They are not.  Part of the reason for this misconception is that marketing for some drugs seem to claim remarkable results. 

7)  Aspartame, aluminum or silver tooth fillings cause the disease.  There is no proof to any of these claims.  When there is no real proof it is easy for rumors and speculation to spread.

8)  Annual flu shots can trigger Alzheimer's.  Simply not true.

9)  Just a little more effort will overcome Alzheimer's.  No amount of effort or work will stop this hideous disease.  Maintaining an active lifestyle, including physical and mental activities, can improve the quality of life but they do not stop the progression of the disease.

10)  Caregivers can do it alone.  They can not.  They need support and they need a break.

11)  Alzheimer's is the normal result of aging... Everyone will get it if they live long enough.  It is not.

My personal opinion, and it is just that, is that it is caused by the multitude of lifestyle and food choices that the last few generations have chosen.  Never before have we been bombarded by so many chemicals and "modified" food products.  Everything from trans-fats, to hormones, to non-stick pans and stain resistant clothes, to artificial sweeteners, to our dependency on our electronics and becoming couch potatoes.  I believe all of these things contribute directly or indirectly to this disease.  But, again, that just my opinion. 

If you are interested, this is my source:  http://bit.ly/OKNWxi

The Lurker...

Mom may have lost some of her memories but she has made it up in the sneakiness that she has acquired.  It just makes me laugh that she thinks that she is so sly.

Katie loves to go outside in the evenings and enjoy the cool weather.  She plays or sits or just hangs around.  But, it drives Mom absolutely bonkers that "that little girl is out there all alone!"  So, Mom tries to go out.  When I ask her not to, she always listens.  For a few minutes.  But if I am distracted, she is outta here.  She'll come back in when I ask.  But, she will keep trying to slip out.  It becomes funny when she acts like she is going to get a drink of water. Next thing I know she has slipped out the back door and is bugging Katie to come in. 

Late in the evening when she is getting ready to go to bed, she will go to the kitchen many times for a drink of water.  She walks back through with her housecoat pockets bulging.  I say, "Mom? What do you have in your pockets?"  "Nothing", as she tucks the folds to hide the pockets.  I get her to show me and she has stuffed her pockets with bread.  She is so cute when she acts like she didn't put it there.  Picture a 2 year old getting caught in the cookie jar.

She will stand almost out of sight from wherever we are. We call her "The Lurker", You can hear her talking to herself and popping her knuckles.  We know she is there but it upsets her if we speak to her while her invisibility force field is in place.  Doesn't that sound like a toddler? 


But, my favorite (and most irritating, as well), is that she picks. Apparently, a small percentage of dementia patients scratch at themselves.  We spend the day doing this dance: she bends at the waist and picks at her legs, I ask her/tell her to stop. She pretends she is looking at a picture on the wall, or is pulling down the cuff of her pants, or that she has always hung her hands around her ankles like a monkey. I am never surprised when she quotes a 2 year old and says, "I didn't do it."

The upside is that she still has the capability to think through the act of being sneaky.