Tsunami of grief...

A few years ago, just a few months after Mom passed, I went to a mental health center for help with my depression. They asked me to go to a grief support group. I originally declined, but ended up going.

I was very uncomfortable in the group from the very beginning. Most of these people were raw with the pain of losing a loved one. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't grieving my mother, I was at peace with her passing. She had been gone a long time even if physically she was still there. I had already grieved. I was in the wrong place.  I wanted help with depression, not a grief that I was not feeling. I left the group.

A very wise friend pointed out that grief did not have to be about death. You can grieve many things: divorce, leaving a job, losing a way of life, the ending of a friendship, etc. It made sense. Not enough to allow me to feel comfortable in the group, but it clicked. Or so I thought.

Tonight her words came crashing down around me. There was no click, it was a huge tsunami. I am grieving. I am desolate with grief. I am so angry (a stage of grief). I have lost so much simply for making a decision that was, really, the only decision I could accept, to help my mother. I have lost an important sibling relationship that cannot be mended. I have lost the financial security that I spent my life building. I have lost my own home. I am a burden to my children. I have lost my health. I have lost myself. Yep, I'm angry.

The other stage that I am experiencing is depression. I am so deep that, at times, I understand why people feel they are emotionally drowning. When a tsunami hits, you usually drown. All of the things that I am angry about are not something that, right now, I have the power to change.

I am tired of trying.