July...

Every year at this time, Mom had melt-downs. Major melt-downs. They were bad and I dreaded the entire month.  Looking back, I'm guessing that she was having panic attacks. They had very real symptoms that could not be ignored. We often spent hours in the ER. 

July was a month of loss for Mom. As a young woman she lost her sister. Later, she lost her father. Then in 2001 she faced the horrible loss of her youngest son whose birthday was the 26th (one day after hers). Less than a year later she lost a second son the day before her birthday. Definitely a month of loss.

The month usually started with overall sadness and tears. As it progressed, she would have chest pains and headaches. I would find her rocking on the couch, holding her head, screaming that she had never felt pain this bad before. I would call 911 and off we would go. Nothing was ever diagnosed. She was always released a few hours later.

The strange part was that she always knew. When the Alzheimer's became so bad that she didn't know what day it was, much less the month, she knew. The tears would start. The panic set in. The symptoms weren't as severe, but she knew.

Here it is, Mom's birthday. I miss my my brothers terribly. They were the ones who brought so much laughter (and so much more) to my now splintered family. And, I can finally say that I miss my mom. The last few years of caring for her are becoming a fading memory. The harsh, sharp edges are softening. No more horrible days for her. July can't hurt her anymore.

July brings me peace.