Soon...

For so very long things have moved so very slowly.  Mom's journey seemed to take forever. I saw the early signs almost 15 years ago. Now it is all just moving so unexpectedly fast.  Hospice called yesterday to prepare us for what is coming. After all of these years you'd think that I would be ready.
I'm not.  It hit me hard.  I'm getting through this horrible waiting by remembering what I have spent countless hours praying and wishing for:  Her peace.  I am mentally happy that she is about to go home to a peace that we cannot comprehend.  But, it's my mom and I am going miss her and feel a huge whole with her passing.

Surprisingly, this grief that I feel is almost comforting.  I thought I would feel little but relief that my obligations are through.  It's wonderful to know that some compassion remains that was not stolen by the cowardly thief that is Alzheimer's.

I thought I was ready...

No matter how much you've prepared, how much you think you're ready, sometimes it just sneaks up on you and whacks you upside the head.  It's a hard whack, too!

You can pretend you did not see me...

It's been a long time since I've been here.  I've thought about stopping by but wasn't sure what to say. It feels a little bit like running into an old friend at the grocery store.  You wonder whether to speak or just pretend you didn't notice her.  You were good friends so you decide to go ahead and say something and then instantly regret it.  Too much time has passed.  You both talk about the kids, the weather, anything that isn't too personal. You agree to catch up soon, knowing you won't do it.

This blog was the best of friends to me.  It listened, without judgement, no matter what I said or when I said it.  It was always here.  But, it was about my journey through Alzheimer's.  And, that journey took a detour that isn't as all-consuming as it once was.  Mom is still in the nursing facility, still under hospice care.  I had a meeting last week with the hospice personnel and her nursing staff.  It was more of an update on her condition (same) and trying to find something that will comfort her.  I wish I knew the answer to that question.  I've wondered that for most of my life.

So, here I am trying to share the journey.  But, now it is just about me. It all seems too personal. This blog, like the friend in the grocery store, just feels awkward. I should stop by and catch you all up to date. But, I think next time I might just pass by without stopping. Or maybe I'll ask you about the weather.