The Burger KIng

My youngest and I ventured into "The Burger King" today.  I call it that because it is where it happened... where Mom had her meltdown.  There was a young man there that has waited on us a few times and he asked where Mom was.  I said, "You didn't hear about her last visit?"  He smiled a little, "No, I was here."
Oh... yea.  He was there.

He was actually very kind and told me that they didn't think a lot about it.  They knew it was uncomfortable for me but that they understood what was going on and would still welcome all of us back.  I was, and am, so impressed with the kindness shown by this business. 

But, I'm still not ready to take Mom back in to eat. 

Remembered priorities...

I was just sitting here tapping away on the laptop and Mom says, "Are you looking for a Hershey bar?"  I was a little surprised by the randomness (you'd think I would be over that) and told her no.  She looked a little disappointed and said, "Well, I'll help you find one if I can have some." 

I have 2 observations for that...
1-  It's nice that she still has a firm touch with some priorities in life.
2-  I need to go buy her a Hershey bar.

The little gifts...

Mom just brought me a piece of toilet paper...

Mom:  May I give you this?

No, thank you.

Mom:  You don't want it?

No, thank you.

Mom:  But, I got it especially for you.

That's nice, but, no thank you.

Mom:  It's my favorite!

Then put it in your pocket.

Mom:  Why would I want to keep a piece of toilet paper?


It's always interesting to see when and if reality might make an appearance. 

I had a dream...

I just had an interesting dream. I was cuddled up on the couch with a blanket, when Mom opened the door and allowed a bird to fly into the house. I couldn't see the bird (as birds are one of my biggest fears, I was hiding under my blanket, screaming) but by the sound of its flapping wings, I knew it was a raven. As I was screaming at Mom to get the bird out, it pooped all over me. It was in my hair and somehow even under the blanket. It was everywhere.

Nasty, right? While my dream self was a little grossed out and just a little irritated that the poop of one of my biggest fears had just landed on me, my subconscious self was relieved that I hadn't died!  I mean it was a very large bird trapped in the same room with me... and I didn't die!!!

I used an online dream dictionary to see what it said the appearance of a raven symbolized.  They are said to represent the purest truths of our subconsciousness. I don't know about that, I think a sparrow could have delivered the same message, with less mess.  

So, let's look at an amateur's attempt to interpret the dream. Here is my take... The bird is Alzheimer's. The crap represents the way I feel about life right now, thanks to Alzheimer's. Mom is the link between the bird, the crap, and me. Simple, right?

But, it's my reaction to the mess that I find the most interesting. The fact that I was relieved that I was only pooped on and that I survived is the most telling for me. There are days here in this house, when the stress and demands placed upon me are so overwhelming that I truly feel as if it is killing me, piece, by stressful piece. So, for my subconscious to tell me that I will survive this mess?  Yeah, that's my kind of dream. 

Math is math...

Most days, I am able to get out of bed with a somewhat positive attitude intact.  Not all, but most.  It lasts right up until the point that I just can't take another argument or word of negativity from Mom. 

Today, however, I woke up weepy and sad.  Then I took a 10 question little test about depression.  The questions themselves made me sad.  The answers made me cry.  It was sort of like balancing your checkbook when you're broke.  You already know you're broke but seeing it in black and white just makes it crystal clear.  You can't fool yourself into thinking it is better than it is.  The test said that it couldn't diagnose whether I am depressed, only a doctor can do that.  But, 10 questions, 8 answered with a yes.  Whether I'm balancing my checkbook or taking this test about depression, I can't argue with the math. 

Just different...

Mom has an unspoken agreement with the rest of the family... If she finds it, it is hers.  Some things are worth fighting for, like a phone, money or even underwear.  Some things are not, like old straws, pennies, or even an old Happy Meal toy.  But, some things are just fate, like Katie's shirt that Mom decided to wear to day care yesterday.