Choices...

Have you ever thought about the choices that you have made in your life, more specifically the bad choices?  So, many things get you to where you are now. Every person at one time or another has thought...  "If I'd only done that differently."  But, I accept my choices. And, in most cases, I cherish them. I'm glad that I screwed up and made the choices that I did. Like the choice to work at a menial job with no benefits. That is where I found my best friend. Or the job that I left in anger is what allowed me to stay home for 2 years with my toddler who was very ill. And, of course, every one's favorite mistake... The Ex. Yes, mine was a real piece.  He is probably the biggest error in judgement of my entire life.  But, I ended up with 2 beautiful children. So, yes, I've thought about the mistakes I've made, and I love every one of them.

What do you choose?

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."
- Martha Washington

Is happiness a choice?  Is it something that can be just because we choose it to be?  I ask this because I am trying to understand what made previous generations in my family so very UNhappy.  As I look back on my memories of my grandmother I remember an unhappy, solemn woman.  I recall asking an aunt why Gran was always so sad.  She said that a lot of sad things happened that she never recovered from.  And as a child that answer was sufficient.  But, as an adult, who like most people, has had many sad things happen, that answer is no longer enough.  Yes, sad things happen.  But, good, wondrous and joyous things happen too. IF you allow them and IF you can look for the happiness.  As I look at my children I choose to find that joy.  I want them to remember the laughter and the fun.  I choose for them to remember their mother hula-hooping when she doesn't know how... Dancing when she has no rhythm... And singing when she can't carry a tune.  Because just as Martha Washington said "...misery depends upon our dispositions and not upon our circumstances." I choose to be happy.

A time for grief...

An  old friend of my parents recently lost his 90 year old mother.  As far back as my high school days he lived with/took care of his mom. That was at least 35 years of his life that he devoted to her.  I ran into him the day after she passed.  He was simply devastated by the loss. And that is the way it should be when a child loses a parent.  As I walked away from him that day I felt such a strong sympathy for his loss. To have someone that you have loved and cared for for such a long time leave you is devastating.

But, the other feeling that I had was jealousy. Yes, jealousy.  I was jealous of his grief.  I am ashamed to say that I won't feel devastated by the loss of my mother. I will not feel grief over her passing.  I will feel an overwhelming sense of relief.  I love my mother.  But, I grieve for her passing each day that she slips further and further into her own mind.  I am devastated by what Alzheimer's takes from her and from my family each and every day.  Her biggest fear her entire adult life was the thought of losing her mind.  She would be inconsolable to know that her fear has become reality.

So, no, I will not grieve for the loss of my mother. It has already been done.

In the beginning...

So, I started a blog. Who'da thunk, right?  But I did and if no one ever reads my notes on nothing, that's ok. The whole thing is for me and anyone who wants to share the ride. This is a place to put my thoughts and feelings; my joys and my frustrations.  I plan to talk about all of the crazy things in my life. This will be the place that will represent the whole of the parts:  Daughter, Mother, Boss, Friend, Caretaker, Coworker, Swagger, Couponer, etc.  Hopefully, in this blogging experience I will know myself just a little better. Some days my blogs will have humor, some days tears. Some will have information, some frustration. So, come along with me as I start a new journey...